I am dying to live, literally it feels if I can not escape the powerful hold of past trauma it will undo me and so many of us know it is a daily struggle especially if you had a huge body impact to your brain like I did in 2005. I think often of how my sister’s head exploded in 1980 she lay down on that late February afternoon after having a vessel burst and her son found her after school and it was 3 years of hell from then on..
God knows how it hit Mum and Dad having already seen me nearly die in 1979 and get so smashed up. It was not possible to see it from their perspective until that day of the second head trauma in June 2005 a year after my husband left me and I went overseas again in desperation to live and deal with it all when it all came up in a cranio sacral session with my Jungian therapist who was crossing over between both mediums. therapy and cranio body work.
In AA we often speak of self centered fear or self will run riot and in a way this is how trauma makes us but in a negative aspect if we take on the blame as a little child will undoubtedly do if trauma hits before the neo-cortex has come on line, then it is natural to believe that we caused it as we think at that stage our parents are all powerful Gods and can do no wrong little understanding what it is they carry and so we take on the burden of far too much shame and accountability while struggling with severely limited inner resources of ego stability.
I think now of Chiron then (June 2005) transiting over my heavily loaded 6th house with that grouping of maternal ancestral planets Mars Saturn and the Moon and how the sixth house rules the gut brain, processing and head gut linkages. After all too our cellular DNA holds the stuff of our ancestors, each and every single experience they ever lived sleeps coiled up inside each cell like a tiny snake and this was shown to me in a recent dream. And even as I write this on a morning where its taken all my work to rise bath, eat, walk, run into and old school friend by so called ‘coincidence’, come home, make lunch, write a poem and speak to my brother then struggle to digest food my head is buzzing and zinging. That then calls to mind all of those on the Awakened Empath and Ascension and Energy Shift pages on Face Book who complain of jaw pain, neck pain, coccyx pain and ear ringing.. is that not just all about long range trauma trying to unwind?
And then to know that yet again my sister is having electrodes applied to her brain (for the fourth round) because they DO NOT KNOW THE FUCK WHAT THEY ARE DOING SO THEY EXPERIMENT LIKE THE EXPERIMENTED ON BETTY’S FRIEND WITH CHRONIC PAIN WITH MARIJHUANA ONLY TO OVERDOSE HER, MAKE HER GO COLD TURKEY THEN DIE FROM THE STRESS IT TRULY DOES SEEM OUR WORLD IS SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP.
I wrack my brains thinking what to do for my sister.. Do I try to connect to her doctors? If I say nothing am I complicit? I am sure they will not listen to me but then when I screamed out about all of this in the ICU after her suicide attempt in April 2013 they did listen and take her off some of the meds. They were not letting her body unwind or throw anything of as we need to learn to do to exit from freeze states. It may sound mean but I cannot visit her again in those death like places of freeze and dissociation like I did for years.. I just cannot do it and yet part of me is screaming today..
That said I must remember the limits of my power and control over life and this has to do with Mars and Pluto now being in aspect in my chart across the signs associated with my sister (Virgo and Pisces) and linking to Mum and Dad’s Mars issues across early degrees of mutable signs.. I also looked at Johnny Depp’s chart yesterday and he has Mars and Pluto in conjunction which is interesting considering the pent up feelings in him that led him to slam kitchen cupboards.. I have broken glass in my bathroom cabinet from kicking the shit out of it, but I was alone at the time I have never been violent to anyone though at a particularly dark time in my life I did scream and yell when confronted while drunk at a party by a person invested in putting me down.. I now know it came out of my own buried self esteem issues that I am working hard on at present but still somedays I feel so lost in the world and my body does hurt as I know only how to push it really not how to surrender to it.. and that worries me a lot at times.
Anyway I am aware of the trauma now, but I do wonder if I will ever live outside of it completely, that said I can be grateful today for so many things.. I have touched the day, I have chatted with a couple of people, I have done my best to be in life while connect with my soul. Death will come to me at some stage, I do not know when but before it does I just want to be able to open my heart and be alive to embrace life and love and try the very best I can to be there for others also undergoing trauma who ever need the help as so many are so often here too for me, because without your love and support guys life is seriously fucked.
Emerging From The Dark Night 