Living in the present in a magical Universe

There is a wonderful world out there just waiting for us to embrace it.. Sadly fear can so often block the way.. That said our body can also recognise what hurts and is painful or limits it may unhelpful to cross and so at times we have to pull up the drawbridge as we learn how to tune inside and read the signals especially if we never learned to value ourselves. Moments of deeper connection to my mind become more possible as we learn it also may not be as dangerous now to risk being vulnerable as it was for us as a child.

Sadly in childhood our signals may be over ridden, we may be told thing that deny our core truth, we can then experience a lot of confusion. The ego as the organizing center of consciousness enables us to use the mind to touch base with feeling but what we tell ourselves about the sensations may not always be true.. For example in Complex PTSD where were were overwhelmed or over stimulated as a sensitive child feeling parts of our body activated such as an elevate heart rate from moving or exercising may be perceived by the hypervigilant part of us as a threat or dangerous when it is not.. and since our movement or freezing in response also affects our pattern of breathing that, in turn may affect our heart rate as well as the thoughts we have that may involve patterns of resistance out old fears being triggered by non life threatening situations in the present.

This complex mix of sensations, activations and responses is still one I am working through.. Last night at about 1.30 am I was awoken by Jasper barking then that terrible gutteral hissing that sounds like a cat but I learned after a similar scary night visit earlier in the year was actually a possum. Jasper was outside trying to warn it off but the possum was having none of it, when I woke I nearly froze like I often do waking in the middle of the night, I scan, breathe, orient and check but I lept up wondering if it was inside the house again, clinging to the wall in the darj like before. Luckily it was not it was outside so I shut one of the doors partly ajar and then managed to get myself back into bed and back to sleep.

Today has been a challenge but despite all of this night time disturbance and battles with digesting we have walked, and lately I am allowing Jasper to take the lead he steers me away from the isolation of the park and towards the new little section where there are a number of cafes. a supermarket and some apartments. He did this first on Sunday and we were then around younger people, families, dogs and kids.. He led me to a small take away cafe called Wild Flower which I love that has this swivel chairs and so I was able to swivel a bit and sing which is really good for my lower back. We then had the coffee sitting outside watching a lot of other people, some in pairs and some alone.

I had thoughts then about how important connection is.. After a time we walked back towards the park via the library where I had a book to collect The Five Love Languages, and I managed to chat to a lovely lady who helped me a few weeks ago then when I mistakenly thought I had left my cell phone at the library.. After that we came home and I got activated again but have managed to vacuum and do some housework and soon I will make lunch.

Slowly I feel my life opening up again. I see how scared I have been for so long on the back of that latest head injury and how terrifying my body became, but somehow by using a combination of therapy, writing, healthy food, vitamins and tissue salts and taking the risk to reach out on dating apps or risk being connected even lending a lot of money to someone and then being shamed over that by several family members I have survived.

I also decided to help my new friend David whose daughter was ill to be in touch. It is a long story but they lost her Mum 5 years ago and he is away working and cannot get home for a couple of months.. At first it felt to hard to help and that it was not my responsibility (and, of course I experienced scamner fears again) but after saying No a few weeks back I felt it was the wrong thing and so I reconnected and gave him that little bit of help yesterday. He was so grateful today and wants me to speak to his daughter, this makes me feel so emotional occurring on today’s anniversary.

Since today is also the anniversary of Thomas and Eliza losing their fifth child a month after arriving in New Zealand in 1874 I began the day by lighting a candle for them.. They have been coming to me saying they need the pain to be known and an interesting thing is that my second sister’s first female grandchild, Sienna is born one day after this baby was lost by them back in April 1874. The 12th is the day they arrived in New Zealand too and it is the day my Mum passed away in 2017 after struggling to stand with mine and the male nurses’s help saying in a panic “I’ve got to get going” must have been ancestral echoes she was channelling then.

I got some amazing photos sent through yesterday by my Nana’s brother’s granddaughter, Julie of my Nana and Great Grandmother taken with her second husband Harry Skinner, Nana’s second husband Robert (Yank) Lester and Nana’s second brother Arthur Robert yesterday.. My Great Grannie looks like such a strong older lady. Mum often told me of how fond she was of her since Nana would send her to stay with her in Melbourne where my G G Grandmother ran a fish and chip shop.. Mum told me that at the end of the day if there were left over fish and chips Eliza would put them in a barrow and wheel them around to the poor. She had known what it was to struggle for food back in New Zealand as she also told Mum they had to get help from the Maoris at a very difficult time.. The Maoris would give them sacks of potatoes..

My G G Grandmother apparently used to dance the Maori war dance the Haka a lot when she visited and that reminds me on some level of a possum hissing as I write this in fear and defence.

Today I feel so connected to my ancestral history.. Its not even hurting that I have such rare contact with family, how could the younger generations really know what the older ones suffered? The good thing is that I do and today it fills my heart deeply with gratitude.. Yes my parents did things that hurt me a lot but they were only passing on their own neglect. As an older therapist called it, it was benign neglect, but never the less in my case the extremity of it led to two life threatening injuries at the ages of 17 and 43..

It sometimes hurts me so much I had to bear all of that pain and detonation but if you know my chart it makes sense of me being born with Uranus and Pluto in the first house of my chart (identity) in the signs of Leo and Virgo respectively.. I have a post to share soon on this configuration of tense aspects as well as the conjunctions of Uranus and Pluto.. During the 1960s we saw a meeting of those in the years after my birth and Chiron is linked to them by opposition and Saturn also joins Chiron in the opposite sign of Pisces during some years of the 1960s.

As many of us know these were critical times of revolution and change.. Uranus being discovered ties into the time of the French Revolution around 1770. Pluto to the discovery of psychology and the subconscious mind as well as scientists working on the atom bomb which gave humans the power to destroy each other..(Pluot rules death, rebirth and transformation through confronting and battling with our own submerged destructive tendencies.

There is a lot to unpack here and I am sure there are so many astrologers who have done a better and more in depth job of it than me.. I have some interesting posts to follow on the generational astrology and things like the AIDS epidemic..

In so many ways my life is coming alive and I will no longer put down my mind, sure at times it makes things in my life harder, the way I think about them but the expanse of my mind is also a wonderful thing, something I can use to explore and wonder and remain in touch with magic. And this world is, at base magical.. it really truely is.. the sad thing being how conditioning so often leads us so very far away from this kind of magical expansive view of it all.