I heard an interesting talk on prana and the breath yesterday, it given was by an Indian mystic and in it he spoke about the prana or breath uniting our cells and that without it those cells could fall apart or decay. This falling apart of my cells was something I had been powerfully experiencing over past days, feeling like I may be dying.
Another talk I listened to between Eckardt Tolle and Ram Dass spoke of the soul animating the body, how once the breathe goes the body becomes just an inanimate object and anyone who has seen a loved one after death or watched the spirit leave, (I was not present when my father, sister or mother died) will have seen this, the light then goes out from the vessel and the body becomes as a shell, cast off by the soul and spirit like a used garment…
I have noticed in watching my own breath lately how much it affects my state of mind. In certain emotions there may be a rush of breath or pulling in, as in anger then a great outlet, in sadness we release a torrent of tears or water.. In another talk this mystic spoke of the composition of our body I do not remember the exact amounts but apparently we are made up of 72 percent water 12 percent earth 12 percent air and some other smaller percentages of fire and the rest which he spoke of as energy of rest and stillness that can take us closer to God.. This was so intriguing to me.
As I watch my mind I see it influences my body and may affect the rise and fall of emotions. At other times emotions like grief just surprise me, flowing out so powerfully. At night in my dreams I see images that must represent a working out of daily conflicts, it reminds me of how magical this world is and how often we reduce it by our labels or attitudes..
Shakespeare once said.. There is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so, or something similar.. That is possibly true.. But we as individuals sometimes experience things and label them thus often missing hidden complexities in our quest to understand.
In AA I was taught to keep an open mind, but yesterday I was berating myself for my lack of boundaries.. and I saw with overwhelming clarity how I struggled so often to find the boundaries between myself and others, often not seeing them as individuals but only in relation to how they did or did not meet my needs or how they affected me emotionally.
I think a lot about my brother lately.. I long to hear from him but know I must reach out if I wish to connect, its just that in the past the way he has devalued me has hurt, that said I remember times he tried to help me when I was struggling most especially when Jonathan and I returned in 2001 and I then ran back frightened by my family and by the pull of despair that existed here around my sister in the home.. In time Jonathan left me and I fell into the most horrendous anxiety.. I know there are ancestral elements in this.. My great great grandfather died alone I have heard, but I did hear through another relative some years ago part of the family tried to stay close.
As the anniversary of he and his wife Eliza losing that first child Eliza Jane at 6 months of age draws closer in 5 days I am aware of how I still struggle in high seas of helplessness, confusion and grief some days. I look around at my house and see only mess, I get anxious and whip myself into frenzy to tidy it up, but then as I write this I see the mess as a kind of metaphor for all of the things both my and my ancestors could not control or struggled to contain over many many years.
When I understand all of the movements in my energy, experience and cells within that wider multi-generational context things make more sense to me of the great instability and fear I sometimes find myself living inside.. Relationships feel dangerous and over powering at times and I have to find a way to breathe through that. And then I just fall down in love as I cuddle Jasper and recognize within him all of the unrepressed energy that I contained as a child.. I see him just being himself and not caring, not living in concepts at all, so not trapped in that as I can sometimes be and yet I am human and this being human is complex, that is all I know.
So today I focus on love, on understanding, I let myself be a bit chaotic and messy and then go into a rush of tidying up, its just me, with all I carry of the past trying to keep a life raft afloat on high seas that are always moving within and around in this constant daily fluctuating, dance and play of energy that is life.
Emerging From The Dark Night 