The best days : morning reflections 3 April 2022

The simplest of things can make me happy. The fresh air, seeing trees, noticing and talking to birds, getting out with my dog but sadly over the past two days my trauma spiral captured me so completely we did not get out together. Daylight saving also ended last night. After a struggle to let go into sleep around 11.30 pm I woke at what I thought was 3.30.but my phone said was 2.30.someone had messaged me and for the first time in a few nights I slept with my phone and that may have been what woke me I am not sure.

Anyway I struggled with a lot going through my head and I tried to practice a 4 square breathing technique I learned as yesterday I did some research on breath work and anxiety as I had wanted to start to.practice nadi shona or alternate nostril.breathing which is brilliant for engaging the calming parasympathetic CNS and alleviating anxiety. But being in nature and also with Jasper calms me. I am trying to stay out of negative painful thoughts about my past or others or just notice when they pop up. I did listen to a very inspiring talk that contained excerpts, too, from Eckhart Tolle on being in the now that made sense to me yesterday.. He does have a lot of positive things to say.. I just am not sure he understands the massive impact to your body and CNS of nearly dying twice.

There is a sadness in me and it will probably always be there.. I tried to think of positive things in family members, really in later years Mum gave me all of the practical support she could, not knowing why really that I struggled as I did. I had the chance to draw close to her in 2005 after Jonathan left but was in so much pain over her choosing my sister as her favorite due to her ‘not being sad all of the time’ (yes she said this when my sister asked her to choose between us after a painful altercation at the coast in early 2005) so instead I went overseas and had the second head injury. I had so much anger and I am trying to write another post at the moment about how when we forgive abuse or are not able to protest it it may cause us to implode and be injured, as humans we need physical containers and that means people too, in AA it was confusing as I was told I could only look to God or spirit. Who knows that may be right on some level but we all need humans around us who show physically that they care.. This is why the impact of Covid has been so devastating and it occurred with Saturn in Aquarius the sign of familial and collective interconnection.. From what I read on here and on other support pages for empaths and victims of abuse many are now wanting to leave their isolation behind and reach out AS REAL AND AUTHENTIC (Chiron in Aries now and is soon to be joined by Mercury there soon.) And it may be true as empath Anita Moorjani claims that at the moment our society is trying to move from a more narcissistically wounding and wounded collective energy to a more empath, connnected and emotionally engaged one of love and care. We are witnessing all around us the devastation of the pain body taking over as it did with Will Smith at the Oscar ceremony on Monday last.

Tolle talks a lot about the pain body too. For me I need to be attentive to my stories and explanations around the pain body so that it does not become worse, yes I need to give the pain and hurt and shame back to my neglectors, invalidators and abusers and not let them guilt or shame me for legitimate protest but I cannot let that become my identity or badge of honor. I am a spiritual being in a human body and here on earth I undergo trials as does every other single living human.. Not everyone knows what it is to be robbed of a natural adolescence and see your older sister nearly die after you also nearly did only 4 months earlier only then to lose your father 5 years later.. But I do not want to be a hopeless victim either..

Perhaps as a kind follower mentioned to me in a comment last night at the moment its about being gentle with myself and not letting that toxic inner critic keep beating me or anyone else up.. What about showing myself some love, care, tenderness and appreciation?

I also love going to the play park and riding the swings, last night in a dream I could fly again, it was something I could do as a child yo escape my tormentors but I have read it may be related both to sublimate and avoidance, in trauma we naturally avoid and dissociate to survive. That allows us to survive at the time but in time may turn into a kind of ‘disorder’ if we fear engaging so much due to developing anxious or avoidant defensive structures. Abuse and neglect may lead us to devalue the self and over value others, then we become wounded people pleasers and care-givers who over give to others and undergive to our traumatized self which the inner critic can turn hostile too, mirroring what happened to us suffering in a world devoid of true empathy, protection or care and valuing.