A tough one

Gosh today has been hard going, I don’t know if this suck back down into hopeless feelings is due to my sister calling yesterday. The first call was at 9 am I didnt take it as getting to therapy and preparing for Simon to come walk Jasper takes a lot of my energy and to be honest I was scared of being overwhelmed again. I finally picked up the 3rd time she called and it was good to hear her sounding stronger and more prepared to take action for herself, maybe staying that long time with her on the phone in such a hopeless place 3 or so weeks ago helped her in some way and not jumping in to ‘fix’ things ( which, after all, I cannot do anyway) but just allowing her to be with the full brunt of the angst worked.

But I burst into tears as soon as we got off the phone, partly its relief to think she may be turning the corner, partly its a build up of super intense and complex emotions I feel around her and my family. It’s not happy feelings but sad, sad, lonely ones. I just need to own that. And today I just feel exhausted, to be honest, I run around in so much nervous energy at times today I’m making myself just be in the pain and relax, Jasper seems happy to chill anyway.

We are in dark of the moon time anyway and Saturn is currently smack bang onto of transiting Venus for all.of us which often has to do with feeling a lack of love available from others, feelings of isolation, self criticism or loneliness. So maybe today I just have to accept this is where I am at. Hopefully things will lighten with time and this heavy energy will then pass, I really hope so.