It was a challenge hurting my foot the other day to not let myself be taken down into the panicky traumatized child part of me..I spoke soothingly to myself after it happened and made sure I did not panic or over breathe. This seems to have helped as did doing the injury meditation that I shared yesterday, as well as working with timed and deepening out breaths as well as alternate nostril breathing which engages the soothing parasympathetic system. The affirmations about eliminating frustration fear and anger worked too as all of this happened after writing a long post about protest.
The idea of protest is not just about expressing anger, its about finding a voice of love from within rooted in self respect that then enables us to reach out to express to those who may be even mean to us.. I just read a post on verbal bullying which recommended being strong and a bit nasty with bullies, to earn respect, that resonated but the are other occasions when we may want to enter the mindset of another in order to work through conflict.. Not always easy to do.. There seemed to be so many times I lacked a voice in my family or if I did speak I was screaming as loud as I could because of them being mean and shut down.. Later in my time back here before Mum died she challenged me as to why I had not tried to express calmly to her and my sister how they had made me feel but in the circumstances of my abandonment trauma and alexithymia that was not possible.. Now I may be able to advocate better for myself knowing what I know.
Spending loving and calming but also energizing time in nature and with my dog Jasper also seems to be helping.. It is known that gazing into our dogs eyes raises the love and cuddle hormone oxytocin in both of our systems. For me getting into nature, walking, listening to uplifting music like this track by Rufus Du Sol, dancing, allowing myself to feel joy and power in my moving body helps me..
Today when the day dawned heavy and dark these strategies worked and despite my injury we have walked by 10.30 am.
I am working actively on raising my vibration at the moment.. Maybe it has to do with Mars having just passed not only the transiting square to transiting Uranus in Taurus at the same time as it has opposed my natal Neptune and squared transiting Taurus. That Neptune configuration of unconscious maternal and ancestral enmeshment (involving the planet Sun – identity, Mercury – communication, Venus – relationships, relating and values, and Jupiter – magnification of these issues principle due to collective issues in my 7th house of relationships) makes sense. Since 2001 I have cried and cried and cried and raged and raged and raged and my feeling is this is not personal as Saturn during that time scoured the below horizon dimension of my chart. It is now rising in elevation and Mars is co-joining that too, moving on to hit those four planets mentioned above.
The Sun is our vital life force and energy.. Related to our spirit it needs to shine and feel joy. For me that involves walks with Jasper, time in nature, dancing, creating, breathing, moving and opening and focusing on my heart. It is about expansion this Uranus transit and as it hits I can feel how contracted our ancestral history made us all.
To reach for joy now, even amidst what seem like such dark times is essential. It should not feel like a betrayal but an affirmation.. We must be brave to face the darkness not only in ourselves but in the world. Virginia Woolf expressed it this way
To see the world as it is
To love it for what it is
That can be difficult when we are riddled with fear, shame, doubt and confusion but opening to our wounds and to the wounds of others while not consenting to remain entrapped within them and their toxic replaying most surely seems like the most important task we face collectively right now emerging of the long and protracted Kali Yuga.
Emerging From The Dark Night 