Humor uplifts me, it brings me out of myself, lately round 5 pm when I feel myself fracturing tears just flood out like an unstoppable stream. Then there are the suck spins coming up to 3 times a day. They feelancestral. I’ll hear at times a guidance from an inner voice telling me to read or listen to something, last night it was to listen at the one hour and 47 minute mark on Mark Wolynn’s reading of his book on ancestral trauma and the broken or difficult connections we can experience with our mothers.
I got pulled back watching a later episode of the series Nashville last night in which the lead female character Juliet’s remains in Bolivia at a kind of sanctuary where her husband Ashley goes to plead with her to come home to both he and their daughter. Juliet goes blank and speaks of how for all of her life she has lost herself in other people but the real trigger was her finding out about her sexual abuse by an uncle at around the age of 7 which her mother did nothing to stop. Now Juliet is abandoning her own child. It called to mind my time in the ashram in mid 2005 following being exiled by that family due to my head injury a month before. How bereft that place was of emotional connection, every single person there had a deep wound of some kind and that place lay under the influence of the Indian guru Amma or The Mother.
Really last night I wept and wept. Mum was sending letters that broke my heart. I eventually went back to Australia but a demon kept me in isolation at the coast for another 3 or 4 years, it pulled me into another troubled relationship. If I had managed to get back home in 2006 so much less damage would have been done but that WAS NOT MY PATH. Sickness lay ahead for all 4 of us, me, my Mum and 2 sisters. The radiation from the breast cancer I underwent in 2016 caused so much breathing damage. I can’t digest any food with out spin attacks, if only I had found Mark Wolynns trauma work prior to thus all that surgery and suffering on my body could have been abated. Is it any wonder I weep at 5 pm the time of that massive second head trauma and close to my own birth time, this is my soul speaking.
Mum is gone now. My great grandmother is close, they are all together again on the other side. But I want to live yet sometimes darkness is all that surrounds me, a darkness not mine that I did not choose or did I? All I can do is try to stay true to my inner path, be told my writing is too deep and sorrowful so.probably will never be widely liked or accepted, does it matter?
Maybe I am strong to have been able to bring some clarity to these murky Neptunian depths. Venus and Mars are still transiting side by side in the early middle degrees of Aquarius squaring own natal Neptune in Scorpio. At this time of year my ancestors had arrived on solid ground and in three weeks time would lose their first baby, my GG grandma’s namesake which corresponds to the aborted pregnancy I had in 1990 at the age of 28. That would in time lead me to both breakdown and sobriety. Two more were to follow in 1992 and 1994 after I got sober. I would never give birth to a baby and those 6 terminated pregnancies would correspond to the six children my great great great grandfather lost in the 1880s. Family karma is real, this I know, old unknown ancestral losses live on in us trying to bring attention to the past. At times it feels too sad, just so so much for one human body to cope with and yet somehow I do. And when it all gets too much I turn to comedy, lately South African comedian Trevor Noah for a really good deep belly laugh.
Its interesting how timing works..I wrote this post on my phone in the car at the local cafe where I go to sit and be amidst people and as I was driving out a caught site of a lady who owns the unit at the coast next to ours where I lived on and off from 2004 to 2010 when I finally left to go traveling with my ex..She asked me if I ever go back.. I told her I had troubles feeling a part of it with my nephew taking it over and moving out all of my things, I owned it may be my issue that it’s not a good feeling for me to go there perhaps due to those deep feelings of grief I found so hard to manage around losing my Dad and the ending of my marriage at 11 years into sobriety.
I burst into tears after we said goodbye, came home and cuddled Jasper who always seems to understand, lately I do feel like a stranger in a strange land and I actually shared this song with my good friend Ivor pn Tuesday (Mars day) who mentioned this idea of strangeness to me the other day.. In the early 80s when I struggled as my sister was returned to us with a one way ticket and tried to take her life I used to listen to so much U2. I was acting out a lot at this time rebelling as my father had made me go to secretarial college which I hated and so my promiscuity started then but this song does take me back and I am including it here as after I posted this it occurred to me the massive tapestry I am trying to weave and all of the various tones, subtones and experiences that have been such a profound part of this Uranian rebel, emotional neglect, fractured emotional connection journey of mine.
Emerging From The Dark Night 