Trusting ourselves (particularly around our intuitive knowing!)

Sad it becomes for us in this life when we get trained to turn away from ourselves. When the world out there seems to say we have it wrong and would be better off as someone else.. It forms a bit of a theme in posts I write at times, the subjects of self rejection, self abandonment.. Surely there is a song of our heart that when we attune to it brings us joy, surely there is a force of good and magnetic attraction that is trying to bring good things to us that wants us to emerge as a more authentic version of our soul.. But there can be other killing forces too, of overly self questioning, second guessing that may want to derail the process by fear.

Lately I am seeking to trust more what I feel and sense on inner levels when I feel the presences of spirits coming through I do need to listen. I feel sad that in the mainstream schooling system this kind of empathic inner intuitive attunement to other worlds is not advocated for, nor taught about.. I started watching the Netflix series on the young medium Tyler Henry this week. I am only about 3 and a half episodes into it but the one that particularly moved me is where an older teacher of his calls him to her place to do a reading with herself and three two other women. While there the mother of the teacher comes through apologizing for the abuse she subjected her daughter too when alive, which immediately brings her to tears..I must admit I was crying a lot watching this episode. Like this woman I never got an apology from my Mum, even on her death bed she was blaming me for making her life harder, maybe that was down to my avoidant and anxious attachment style. The closest we got in later years was when she admitted how tough her own mothering was and how she had so much compassion for her mother being so alone, I am not always sure I totally had that compassion for Mum after Dad died in view of the fact that the hardship I endured seemed to be totally left out of the equation.. Mum tried to help me in financial ways but it was not what I really needed (grateful as I am) and the way I was invalidated has left a lot of scars and deficits I have been trying my level best to work through in therapy.

Anyway, back to Tyler Henry, after reading for his teacher he shares how much he struggled as a young teenager in school, how out of step he felt, that he was bullied and that he already had a very strong sense of knowing that came through from somewhere else, which, of course, in later years proved to be his ‘gift’ of mediumship.. It also made me think of my own inner attunement to the ancestors which lately has shifted to my mother’s grandmother coming through and sharing so much of her own hardship as a child and young woman and about the fear and need to survive that led her to travel so very far away from her migration home, New Zealand. It was interesting to me that last week as a lot of this information was coming through from her to do with economic deprivation she and the family went through there as well as the fear generated by their father’s alcoholism there were two separate programs on New Zealand, the first on two authors from there also writing on ancestral issues. It became particularly intense emotionally around midday on Sunday when the Sun met up with Neptune in Pisces at 21 degrees of the sign, although this astrological connection only occurred to me on Monday in therapy.

Medium Tyler Henry picks up on energies by scribbling at first but the sensations come through on a body level which is often the case for me.. In fact a lot of the pieces of this ancestral puzzle began to fall in place for me after coming across the work of ancestral trauma healer Mark Wolynn some time in 2017 a few months before my own mother passed over.. Apparently it is not uncommon for older people to choose the time of their passing.. This was most certainly the case for my Mum who gave indications she was ready to go after losing both my older sister and her best friend as well as watching two of her daughters battle breast cancer in the 18 months previous…

To be honest I felt peace at my Mum’s passing, sad as it was and as much as I grieved in the months following and as traumatic as the events of my grandniece’s siezure leading up to the final fall that marked the end for Mum was. My nephew shared that before that visit he knew he had to get down to see us as his daughter had lost her own grandma three years before and was longing to know some of her female relatives.. Mum was sadly resistant to this visit initially and we argued about it.. perhaps because she still bore some animosity to my older sister’s husband who abandoned her so painfully following the breakdown that occurred following her own aneurysm in 1980. But in the end little Lyra and her GG got to meet for a short time.. Mum was not the most maternal of women due to the fact she also had to struggle so hard within that ancestral pool of neglect.

Knowing we can have these intuitive connections to loved ones passed is very important for us and may limit the severity of our grief or any undue guilt we feel as we attempt to navigate this passage. Tyler in his work helps those who may have lost people prematurely too, in cases where the death was sudden or violent or in some other way deeply disturbing and confusing. Seeing him deal with the grieving mother of young hit and run victim was particularly moving. That said grief can be a complex issue and we never know what one loss will trigger for someone by association nor what wounds underlying their relationships with that person as well as others by association may be triggered.

These days I am trying to listen more closely to my own body symptoms and not necessarily see them as all about past trauma to for at times they may be a hint someone is trying to get in touch or a spirit is close.. They may also be a sign when and if other’s traumas is being felt by me.. That said the woundings my own body went through due to maternal emotional neglect and abandonment ran deep so its not strange they would get triggered or also draw me closer to others with mother wounding or emotional neglect issues…

It was only last week around this time that some of the pain from the fourth termination of pregnancy I had in April 1990 was becoming bodily conscious in therapy… I was 28 at that point and heading into my first Saturn return after which Saturn rose above the horizon and three years later I met and married my ex husband and got sober and we got to have about 8 happy years while it was in the ascendancy.

Its important to know that our soul is on a journey in this life.. For some of us our gifts may be made clear at a younger age, like they were for Tyler Henry, for others of us we may find ourselves lost in the wilderness for some time and at about the ages of 40 50 and 60 that wilderness can become deep and dark and perhaps rife with emotional confusion if we cannot allow ourselves to make sense of our past.

That said I am with Brene Brown in seeing the wilderness as a very fertile, rich and creative place, solitary as it is.. Invalidation may sadly lead us to seek out places where we do not truly belong and end up with us getting even more lost and if we are chosen for that darker journey we may find no validation much.. We may have to be content to love the wilderness for its gifts, instead of reviling it and diminishing the depth of our experience as individuals born out of a challenging heritage. . I can most certainly identify with that pathway..

That said there is a time to break open with the pain of it all, which if resisted will just keep us entrapped and enfeebled or enclosed in a death like space.. Some of our seeds germinate by fire, others by the flooding water and deep soul irrigation of tears shed over many many years, but I am learning lately that sadly a lot of the tears we cry ARE NOT ALWAYS OUR OWN BUT ABOUT PAST PAIN OR THE IGNORANCE THAT CAN COME WHEN WE FIND NO VALUE IN A MORE RICHLY SOULFUL INTERIOR PATHWAY. Ancestral trauma is not meant to be carried indefinately, it may only prove to become a curse if we cannot separate ourselves out of it.. Each time my G G mother comes though lately I just echo and mirror her, I tell her I know how tough it was but that I do not want this to capture me forever as it sometimes can do..

Breaking free of the ancestral ‘curse’, ‘script’ or core traumas may come with great confusion, disorientation, pain and fear but there may also be levels on which that anxiety or that confusion and fear can be misinterpreted as dangerous when actually its is about excitement for the new.. But in order to embrace this new we have to ensure we become fully conscious of the past pain that led us to here.. That our ‘ego’ defeats were not really those at all, just ways in which we failed to emerge due to the fact we could not take the long rage backwards glance view and in so doing make sense of old patterns so so well and truly long past their use by date they in serious need of shedding or releasing.