Really it’s no surprise we learn to reject ourselves and our inner depth in a society now versed in self rejection. I just stood next to two guys at the coffee shop and the first asked for 4 shots in his coffee!! He was joking about how he passed out on his wife last night. My heart sank I had to step away for a moment, they didn’t see me anyway maybe cause I’m aging now and seem to be getting more invisible.
I then read something by someone in sobriety about how they were trying to shed past experience? I guess I get it on one level but in AA we say we don’t turn our back on our damaged or tumultuous past but try to enter the lerning and engage with what our scars or wounds have taught us, according to spiritual philosopher and novelist Paulo Coelo this makes us a warrior of light.
I am seeing lately how much I’ve been rejected in deep emotions then learned to reject myself and judge my experience from superficial standards too and then turn against myself with a toxic inner critic. At times that also becomes an outer critic when I do not see deeply inside another’s wounds and experiences.
Lately I can feel real anger at such a superficial world. That is just me being real but I won’t allow that to poison me anymore, either as it does not provide a place for insight into all of this from a deeper evolutionary multi generational perspective. I need to honor what my ancestors lived, what a struggle it was for them to lose everything and have to rebuild nor the valiant fight they endured to survive.
I’m crying deeply a lot of the time lately too. These are genuine deep tears from the heart and deep soul over my own blindness, but there is courage I have had too, to face it all. That takes bravery. I must honor that.
At times I cry over how my own fear and dissociation made me run while accepting it was all I could do. So much cut into me when I was young due to parental disconnection and neglect so at 17 I was completely smashed up. Crushed in a car with metal pieces inside my legs, tongue lacerated, teeth gone, two bones smashed and lungs punctured drowning in fluid. Take how that might feel in for a second. No wait SORRY YOU CANT!
This isn’t me in self pity it is me stating realities and finding out a very distant ancestor was incarcerated for 28 years (a complete Saturn cycle) for fighting against Protestantism it makes sense of my own Mars Saturn Moon placements in the sign of ‘freedom fighting’ Aquarius.
It’s high time I gave myself more credit instead of beating up on myself remorselessly. I need this self affirming anger to mobilize goodness and love and I’ll bloody well stand up to the inner critic for others when I witness them being flagellated by it, too. You are a survivors, you endured rape, bullying, grooming, sexual predation and neglect and in a society going numb you punish yourselves. The world rejects and minimises your pain, often mocks you for it, putting you down, you smash a glass in frustration after being bullied and the bully claims you are being abusive (yes this actually happened on the reality show Married At First Sight in Australia on the episode that screened last night.) Let’s start wising up and stop bashing the victims. This person owned their own wounds to apologize sincerely only to be mocked by one person again.
Over this bs really.
I heard the sad news today that global emissions are up dramatically this year. Over 40 percent of this comes from coal which we know is a dirty fuel but we still will persist raping the earth, rejecting ‘matter’ seeing it as empty ‘Terra nullis’ or whatever other demeaning label we want to give. This is not all of us by any means. Many of us are awakening but that happens not by running from and dismissing our pain but through turning to face it head on and mine the symptoms for meaning.
And if anyone will awaken it will be the traumatized. It’s no accident the great behaviourist purge happened in the generation I was born. Babies left to cry themselves to sleep so as not to be ‘spoiled’ by a generation that had the shit bombed out of them or were born to parents struggling through the exceptionally hard conditions of global depression and the First World War. The younger generations now split off too, they often lack understanding of what their parents or grandparents suffered at times. That ISN’T THEIR FAULT BUT LET’S SHOW RESPECT PLEASE.
We must honor these realities, they were the fiery crucible we were forged deep inside. Let’s feel it please. Let’s light a candle to the pain and struggle of our ancestors and commit to learn from it and turn it all around to wisdom, insight, intelligence, compassion and love. We do not have to keep carrying this stuff and re-enacting it. As Mark Wolynn recommends we can in acknowledging it, takes the steps to move forward in a more loving way of treating both ourselves and our fellow humans. ❤
Emerging From The Dark Night 