High anxiety

My anxiety level is really high today, I am feeling very scattered.. It’s hard to find words but I worked on a post about it earlier then came home and made lunch only to get so scattered cleaning up and seeing how much stuff is around me.. I never felt contained for the longest time it feels honestly like each day is a fight to survive that I may not live through

Hearing that Australian cricketer Shane Warne died so dramatically and suddenly overseas seeking a detox ‘cure’ to loose weight and conform to his ideal made me feel so shaken, so often I feel I may have a heart attack..I feel for the soul in him that had to seek outside for someway to feel ‘better’ and more acceptable, even to himself. What would happen in this world if we learned to love who we are deep inside? Believe me I try but at times the fact of my family situation overwhelms and honestly frightens me. I am sure you will read some of this in the post I am working on to post after this one. At the end I come to some conclusions about trying to get our heads sorted out merely by ‘thinking’ or reframing things while ignoring deeper levels..

Some days I have no answers at all and on those days I feel I need to come back to the Buddhist concept of groundlessness, but that also makes me feel really it is what I lived all of my life, feeling I was alone and nothing was secure, that bombs could go off at any moment (and did from the age of 17 to 23 when my Dad died). There was on one much to turn to as they were all so deeply preoccupied. This is why I always tried to be there for others but at times I am tired I am so tired of the battle to get my life on some solid ground, maybe that is an illusion as Buddhist Nun Pema Chodron seems to write in so many of her books one that I need to surrender, maybe I just need to let my soul and heart shake and quake and ache some days. to allow the stream of fear to run through me and answer it with calming thoughts and love.. maybe self calming with more positive thoughts is not always such a bad thing.