A massive out pouring of grief

Its was my sister’s birthday yesterday I had been in a very strange an intense place for days and somehow I mixed up the dates, so it took until 4 pm to place the call, I’d been fielding demands to help yet another person with money.. Honestly this would be the fourth man I helped and I set my boundary but it wasn’t being understood or respected. After all if I can help I feel I ‘should’ but in this case I knew it was too much and so I had to try and explain why which I know in all my reading on boundaries is not necessary.. Christina Northrup recommends saying that we are not in position to help or will think about it.. In the end accused me of avoiding when I was really taking space and that felt unfair, after all I can gaslight myself like that at times and my family would do it to me if their behavior was hurtful and my only defense at that time was to withdraw.. I got through all of that and then wondered if my sister would take the call which she did but she said she was expecting me to visit in the psychiatric unit.. What the? I am not vaccinated and was not even aware anyone could visit since no one much keeps in touch. Besides this, I have supported her so much and I have so much other stuff going on..

We ended up having a long chat about everything, where she feels she started to go haywire and about the way our brother and his family treat both of us as the scapegoats for feeling, not surprising with the significant Scorpio influences we both carry from Mum who as a whirlwind of intensity due to her own unresolved adult grandchild of an alcoholic tendencies.. My sister has been shunted from one ill equipped psychiartrist or psychologist to the next. She says she feels they do not understand her state of mind.. How could they? Have they suffered in that way? Have they lived her life? Have they endured the years and years of trauma and stress she went through too from the age of 24 when I crashed and then six months later our older sister had an aneurysm around this time of year?. The shock of that happening brought on the birth of her first son and he is the one scrambling so hard to ‘help’ but lacking the inner knowing.. Al Anon could help him but he is not the sort of person who I think would have time for that..

My sister told me yesterday she feels he is trying to protect his children.. What from I wondered.. A sick grandmother and aunty who carry long term emotional neglect? Look it is okay I am not bitter, all of this deep seated emotional multi-generational wounding is so intense and it was not lost on me when I was in big ancestral swirls yesterday that on this same date 19th of February my great great grandparents Thomas and Eliza also lost a baby girl.. In fact before my great grandmother Eliza Jane Trudgeon was born in 1882 they lost two of the earlier baby Eliza’s one (their 5th child) in 1874 at the age of 8 months only one month after arriving in New Zealand after a 3 month sea voyage from Cornwall and the second baby Eliza Jane (their eighth child) on that date – 19th of February 1879 at 6 months of age.

When our great grandmother the third Eliza Jane was born in 1882 she was the 10th child of 15 in total.. In his research on epigenetic trauma Mark Wolynn sites grief over the loss of earlier siblings to have a profound effect on the way parents may bond with later children.. I believe that the schism possibly was stronger with Eliza Jane’s father who himself had a background of so much earlier loss (having lost his own mother at the age of 12 years) that in later years, after they moved to New Zealand he was obviously using alcohol to cope and becoming more and more difficult to be around to the point that my great great grandmother eventually left him but I am not sure in what year.

Our great grandmother then married and ran away to Australia possibly to get some distance from it all after giving birth to my Nana (Mum’s Mum) who then ran from Victoria in Australia to Canberra where my sister and I live now with her husband who was a World War One survivor. My mother’s father John James Brander died when Mum was only 7 and so she and Nana battled on all alone here with no family. Mum was left alone while Nana worked as at that time she got no help at all from the government.. She often sent my Mum down to stay with her grandmother but from what my brother tells me she was a ‘tough old bird’ well by God she had to be and she was also the adult child of an alcoholic so that legacy of anxiety and struggling to stay alive just got passed on down to all of us but especially our mother who was full of OCD and other unresolved perfectionistic hidden grief issues.

Talking to my sister yesterday I was trying to validate that she is not defective at all for being where she is now.. Indeed its the psychiatric community failing her in some way, she left Canberra some time in the late 90s to go north and worked her fingers to the bone.. Her husband started withdrawing and then got involved in a business overseas and them my sister had a complete breakdown after a hysterectomy in 2003.. I was witness to all of that because by that stage I had 10 years of active sobriety in my own life and had been pulled back to the UK due to all of the ancestral threads.. My marriage broke down in the midst of this in 2004 when my husband also left just as our great Grandmother’s mother left her husband.

As an astrologer and someone in recovery I have a huge overview on this.. and I know I am onto something when after talking so long to my sister and debriefing with a family friend I just cry from the depths of my guts over my evening meal listening to John Mayer’s blues..Why is my sister the one now sitting in a bloody hospital when her son has the run of the house at the coast, is building a huge property getting a second dog and going on trips away.. While my sister sits there with hardly a shred of any possessions to her name smacked with some kind of fucking mental health label.. Far out when its not breaking me down in rivers of tears it makes my entire body feel like blowing apart.

For some reason the left side of my body seems to be carrying a lot of this as I type my left hand is very sore.. Jasper and I got out for a very long walk at the park and I digested breakfast with no spins for the very first time in a while. With the Sun now in Pisces and hitting my Chiron at 4 degrees of that sign while also aspecting my living sister’s Sun Venus conjunct in Pisces 0 and 5 square to Mars in Sagittarius at 4 (the exact same placement as my father had) then its all par for the course.. My sister is carrying the ancestral stuff and that is also shown by her 1950s born configuration of Uranus in Cancer with the South Node opposing Chiron in Capricorn with the North Node.. Asian writer Amy Tan also has this configuration and reading her biography around her writing and ancestral life it shows the work she had to do to unpack a very profound and complex maternal history related to sex and power with its roots back in Shanghai.. the daughter’s carry the mothers wounds and karma.. that much is clear to me. My sister’s Venus and Sun sit on the placement of my mother’s Mars in Pisces.. Her Saturn in Scorpio sits smack bang on Mum’s Sun Mercury Saturn conjunction in the same sign which shows the massive cache of ancestral feeling my own mother carried from the maternal side.

I am grateful I can talk so openly to my sister.. I know she will not be understood by family.. The intent to protect fucks up the intent to learn about another person’s inner reality.. Margaret Paul writes about this in depth in her book Inner Bonding in the end what are we protecting ourselves from but our own shadow, psychic blindspots, ignorance and fear? We are all guilty of it but as Carl Jung recognised only the gritty insightful work of bringing light to the darkness will help us to transform our understanding of each other as well as of the profound, complex and tangled roots of our family’s history.. The sad thing is though a lot of people would rather not do the work or lack the intelligence, insight, ability to question or dig deeper.. I really really pray this changes in time.. We need to be freeing people not keeping them bound up in ignorance and dis-empowerment.

Note :

For those of you born in around 1954 you may be experiencing a transit of transiting Pluto in Capricorn to your Chiron and North Node.. the meaning given is very interesting and seems spot on for what my sister is undergoing at present.. Pluto conjunctions to Chiron do not happen to all of us since Pluto takes over 200 years to create an entire cycle of the zodiac so while it may sextile, square, or opposite your Chiron it may not conjunct it in your life time.

Pluto transits to your Chiron ask you face the worst of your childhood wounding and self-esteem issues, challenging you to powerfully step forward and accept all that you feel and have felt throughout your entire life. This time is a unique opportunity to get inside your defenses and shielding, what you might use to keep others from seeing and getting into your heart, and learn to courageously release them in order to more fully inhabit your heart and, as a result, your willingness to embody the power of compassion in the face of any and all suffering.

Source

https://www.tdjacobs.com/articles/the-chiron-pages/transits-to-chiron