I am aware more lately of my own narcissistic defenses.. As my therapist often reminds me we are all placed somewhere on the spectrum of narcissism. We need to have a strong and grounded as well as realistic and humble take on our own inner self and character to get by in this world and relate to others, otherwise we get easily over run, we over or under estimate our abilities and then we fail to develop and blossom. This is why to be humiliated or cut down as a young child by parents, siblings, teachers or caregivers is so toxic.. When this happens we do not get to develop a balance sense of self value or self esteem, we may become shame based and that may lead to the development of defenses or arrogance or self deflection.
One of the traits of toxic narcissism is apparently low self esteem coupled with a high opinion of one’s self and often we may have had to develop protections as a defense against constant humiliation, shaming, blaming or other attacks. If it happens when we are very young we lack the ability to protest or fight back, then we may be damaged even more.. We come to identify that angry fighter rebel side as bad, when really it is just trying to get us to blossom.
We need the fighter to connect to our true self and get angry enough about what happened to us, for otherwise as young children we tend to make the parent omnipotent and devalue ourselves and that then makes it more than likely we will be vulnerable to being ensnared in other toxic relationships were we either project our own power or are devalued.. Those who try to demonize us for fighting our corner then must be given a wide berth. At the same time we need to embrace ou vulnerable and tender side and risk revealing it in order to be capable of truly intimate relationships with others.
Accepting that our own feelings, needs, opinions, wishes and desires have value is important.. knowing that other’s will differ, also important.. Not allowing ourselves to be shamed for having those, important. Then the later critical work involves self advocacy for self esteem… When we engage in those actions that disempower us we feel worse then our anger or shame may be off the rickter scale. When we engage in those actions which empower our selves then we grow in true strength. We can learn how to stop looking to others or blaming them when really all along it was up to us to take the power back into our own hands. And we can allow ourselves at to let our walls or defenses down with those who truly seek to know and be related to or truly known by us.
Emerging From The Dark Night 