Vulnerability

I am feeling so terribly vulnerable at the moment… Since the outburst of anger in therapy things have been tough to manage bodily wise.. I also feel I am drinking a bit too much coffee to compensate and get me out.. It may have turned into a bit of an addiction, along with ice-cream and sweet things I then try to balance out with eating healthy.. Having poor ego boundaries and ego strength is tough on someone.. We give over when we should not and sometimes we do not ask for help when we need it either and then being in someone else’s energy field can feel overwhelming. Today I just collapsed again in floods of tears after getting out to the park for a brief while. came home and got overwhelmed scared Jasper with the outburst of emotion.. He took refuge under the car and then thought to myself “take some action for God’s sake instead of sitting around crying and getting lost in self pity!” So I got up and active to try and take action on the things bugging me like mess and things lying around I will not use which I began to sort for charity.

Possibly that is a good sign.. I also had the cleaner due today and that is tough one. Having to always keep things so perfect as a defense against falling into chaos meant that after Mum died I thought having a cleaner was a luxury now I am not so sure, its only fortnightly they come and I put off the last visit due to expenses.

Anyway after this I got active, my body feels off today, I feel the best in nature as soon as I get moving my own symptoms end up frightening me. It did make a big difference last night not sucking in my breath and making sure I breathed both in and out via my nose.. I had a book I have only partly been able to read that sites the evidence for the healthy of nostril (as opposed to mouth breathing). The orthodontist picked up I was a mouth breather when I was young.. before I went through all the hell of teeth removed, braces and then the smash up at 17 when I lost and chipped off part of several teeth.

I write just to get a handle on this stuff and ground myself in the present as much as I can.. I did not start today with a walk but did writing and I have been trying to walk earlier just to pull myself more into the present moment.. What I write here doesn’t need to be liked I just need to write, it is what I had to do as a child when I had no one at all to turn to or understand and I have started writer Amy Tan’s book on writing and her life this week Where The Past Begins in which she says something about being lonely is about having no one understand you.. These days I do have some people in my life who do understand but I also do have those who do not believe me or perhaps judge me due to my past.. It doesn’t matter any more… as long as I can believe in myself. That said at times I engage in self defeating behaviors and it takes honesty to see what these are.

What i am realizing too lately is how much of an issue fear is for me and how insecure I felt which was the primary cause of my addiction when younger.. Now I need more effective coping strategies.. The isolation I was in up to and after Mum died meant the situation with Scott got so far out of hand, now if I do not help him I cannot get my money back but then I risk being ‘found out’ and possibly having my inheritance blocked. I need to let go of something and I am not sure what but what is bothering me right now is the way my body feels.. I am very terrified that it is breaking down under the weight of just far too much stress..