A photo of the Queen and Prince Andrew appeared on my MSN feed a moment ago.. along with a commentary saying his Royal career is now finished.. Much as I do not approve of his actions the photo made me feel how tragic and sad the entire situation is.. Watching how Prince Charles was instrumental in Diana being led like a lamb to the slaughter on recent episodes of the Crown hit home glaringly last week, particularly poignant was the scene in which the actress playing her dances in a blue leotard in a huge hall in the Palace to the Elton John song Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word…Even if that scene is fictional and done for dramatic effect still that heartbreaking portrayal of her dancing become more full of grief and trapped frenzy as it progresses really did make me ache.
Many are going to judge Prince Andrew for what he did.. The lack of empathy to a young girl’s plight seems alarming but if you consider that only those shown empathy and compassion as well as emotional engagement know how to return it, or else only the sensitive would appreciate the consequences of that sort of damage it becomes even more sad… Nevertheless we have to be able to draw some kind of connection between the remoteness of his upbringing and his vulnerability to allowing himself to be ensnared in a situation such as that he found in befriending Jeffrey Epstien..
We call this toxic masculinity and to be on the receiving end of it as a woman is terrifying.. To be honest growing up most of the boys I encountered scared the living daylights out of me.. They called me names and mocked me from the bus, I did not find a boy out there who seemed to be capable of kindness or if they existed perhaps I was not attracted to them, not being used to any form of tenderness from either of my parents.
Today when I see a young child treated tenderly is moves me to tears at times. When I see a little one hand in had with her grandfather or father it fills my soul with an ache… I do not blame my Dad any more, under his exterior he was a softie as is my brother but sadly that softness got socialized or brutalized out of him.. So I never really knew the tender touch of my Dad until he told me of his cancer diganosis a few months before he died and broke down in my arms.. And then he was gone a few short months later.
Carrying this sadness is something I no longer wish to dominate my life and even as I write and possibly consider the risk of posting it I am aware I do not wish to remain trapped in that grief for so long. I have hopes that with the concerns rising around what happens to young girls and women at the hands of predatory men will see this change with time and in this way the behavior of Prince Andrew and the consequences seem right and a good sign of change.
But I do wonder what happens deep inside the heart and soul of such a emotionally bankrupt person so deadened to his feminine emotional side.. That he could sit through that interview and show not one shred of concern or empathy for his victim or even a sense of heartfelt remorse is chilling and yet I have known chilling women like that, women who can look upon the heart of another vulnerable woman and only treat it with contempt. That is why as I write this I am hurt that my therapist said I treated her with contempt the other week when I questioned the degree of her own ability to empathize with the degree of anger I expressed on Monday week in therapy.. I thought she may have been jumping for joy that I got it out of me not sitting there in a chair looking horrified, after all I was in full control of that anger and I would NEVER NEVER NEVER use it upon a vulnerable human being.
Being overpowered by a malevolent force is no fun.. Being at the mercy of men who see you only as an object or thing to be used or a a source of contempt is very very painful. It happened to me a lot in my last relationship.. In that relationship my heart did not matter, there was no level of meeting or being met, the door was slammed shut on things and he lacked the ability to empathize or attune. But then maybe my being involved in that was a sign of the level of non acceptance of my inner self and suffering that I carried up to that point (2011). Foundering in a lonely wilderness I was truly lost.. I had no home, no partner, no job, I was surrounded only by a vast emptiness.
Slowly in later years I like to think this is changing.. I do know that a difference of opinion with my therapist should not be reason for an ending, after all a sign of maturity lies in us being able to hold differing viewpoints or opinions and still be capable of being in a relationship.. As I look around in society right now I do not see a lot of that.. The recent way anti-vax protesters encroached on the liberty and safety of those who choose to be vaccinated did not seem fair. I am not vaccinated due to my own issues and values but I would never try to fight against someone who chose to be vaccinated.. Sure I was hurt when some friends would not see me on my birthday due to this but I accepted that and I could still remain friends with them even as we carried opposing viewpoints.
I am not sure why I found that photo so sad yesterday of the Queen and Prince Andrew but perhaps it stirred up something about the emotional remoteness of my own upbringing and how the feminine part in me became so damaged too. Lately I cry for a lot of things I have let myself be dragged through since Mum died over money and relationships.. I watched the following talk on You Tube last night between Michael Sandler of Inspire Nation and medical doctor Christine Northrup who understands so much about the long term damage done to the immune systems of those who allow themselves as empaths to be drained by narcissists.. I found it very helpful and especially the advice she shared towards the end about nostril breathing and health.. Practicing that last night meant I engaged my parasympathetic nervous system more and had less of a pulled around sleep.. I hope you find it useful.
Sometimes I question if I have got the right help with my chronic PTSD condition.. It seems I have to do so much of my own research including using trial and error over what works for me.. Never the less I press onwards. I wonder what part of me it is that has some compassion for a man who showed no compassion at all for his victims.. and I worry that showing that will make others distance from me.. But never the less here in my blog I shared on daily basis what is going on for me.. hoping that in some way other relate or find something of value in that.
Emerging From The Dark Night 