Contempt?

Im really hurting after therapy. I went to get a silver frame to put the wedding photo of my older sister in who died today after therapy and when I got home just broke down in floods of tears. The anger last Monday was about how her inner beauty and feminine.talents were so unrecognised, about how later in life she was never held in love after she broke following the aneurysm she raged as help wasn’t give her that she needed, yet even that is confusing to me and I saw her totally shattered before the first suicide attempt after her husband abandoned her. So so much pain I contained all flooding out as I look at that beautiful photo taken on her wedding day in 1965

I get why my therapist was hurt but I was only trying to bear witness to a truth. She made the valid point that we are all wounded and can only help from that place but I bear all this as well as the rage of the feminine that got buried in our family. It’s a wonder I haven’t gone insane myself, sometimes I feel that close.

My sister is gone now. I feel her spirit close. But I’m feeling alone at times too with this all. I ache that I can’t help Scott while getting angry its up to me, which just goes to show that complex and contradictory forces can live inside all of us.

Still I prefer being in my body, not just my head these days. But even in nature held safe I miss the love of humans at times. I do get that from.my therapist, she didn’t tell me to leave or abandon me like other therapists have done when I got angry.

God knows all three of us siblings have avoidant patterns and for good reason. Due to my early child hood injuries and lack of attunement drawing close feels fraught with peril sometimes and at times it’s hard not to transfer old wounds onto new situations, but lately I just long for a break from all the analysis of therapy. That said I know I need it too to keep on helping and growing in deeper self awareness, as tough as it is to face these sore hurting places deep inside me denying them won’t get me anywhere and society would rather I did that it is just how numb it is most of the time. That said being vulnerableand honest can and does attract realer people to me, as risky as it seems. As a lovely follower just said tough as it is I need to keep trusting the process.