OMG just thinking about that first part gives a fixed sign girl like me an apoplexy!!!…How different may life have been if I wasn’t holding on so tight and resisting it quite so much, honestly I TOTALLY DO CONTRIBUTE MORE TO MY OWN SUFFERING BY MY ATTITUDE THAT IS BECOMING CLEARER AND CLEARER TO ME LATELY but the upside to this is that getting clearer about the way we think about things and the perspectives we and others take just takes time and is that not one of the things that comes about after Mercury retrograde transits well and introspectively handled?
Thinking my happiness lies in things outside of myself rather than the way I approach and think about them takes time but by the same token longings to be alive and connected are just that.. Its just that the price I have had to pay to stay connected at times has felt too much and often too much like a betrayal due to me, it really has high jacked my life and positive energy.
What use is raging against things I can’t change? (Learning what I cannot change, also takes time and many painful reactions to the immovable object.) Lately I see that while anger expressed and understood may appear to hurt it also is clearing on some level and it has also been important to understand how much fear I have around it..Really things can be okay even when I do not get what I want there is always some part of my world or life that is okay and lately I am learning to put the focus on that and most of all get my body into THE NOW and moving.
In therapy yesterday, Kat, my therapist said she was terrified when I was beating the couch on Monday, it’s only a small room and John Lee in talking about this kind of release work says we need lots of space, we also need those who won’t abandon us as if we feel deep shame over our powerlessness otherwise abandonment fears may lead us to keep swallowing healthy assertive drives back down or blocking them with an inner critic and that may mean we fail to set healthy boundaries again. Setting them may also hurt us or others for a time and we have to be accepting of that as a necessary price to pay. When we co-dependent people pleasers go back into fawn responses when threatened by a more powerful shaming party or outer controlling force invested in obilerating us, we may end up losing both their and own self respect. That happened to me all of the time in my past relationship and kept me trapped. The best thing my ex did possibly was break it off but there was a lot of pain to get through to realise this. Being left unprotected inwardly as a child makes us so vulnerable in later life, and if we cannot feel emotions bound in shame and fear how can we become healthy functioning adults? Fawning and collapsing and turning against our selves means we pay a heavy price in terms of feeling our full aliveness. Isn’t that all just a bit too high of a price to pay?
I told Kat I felt judged on Monday but that was me projecting the sense I got was that level of rage was wrong but if you think about women feeling ridden over by older male siblings or having a parent dictate the trajectory of your life hurts.. People may say I can change it now and I can but not if I am not aware of the dynamic and true source of the wound and that has sadly taken me to the age of 60 which makes me weep and weep at times.
But am I to remain a victim now? There mast be some way to take my power back. Not be such a bloody princess about it all by copping the reality (Saturn) rather than the disembodied ideal (Uranus or Neptune) and using it to take well founded grounded self affirmative action sadly we do not live in an ideal world which is why sometimes i have to not be in the world but make my escape to wild places or natural places where I can feel more in touch with the primal or instinctive.
On that note I found the loveliest book on the remaindered table at my local bookshop after walking Jasper yesterday.. It is called Otter Country : In Search of the Wild Otter and it is such a beautifully written book. The writer Miriam Darlington is from Devon in the UK but her quest to track this most interesting of animals takes her to the highlands of Scotland as well as to the home of writer Gavin Maxwell a gay man who wrote the book Ring Of Bright Water about his experiences of living with wild otters at a Camusfearna in the Highlands.. I am only 58 pages into it but I have already learned so much and her writing is very poetic and her passion for nature and wildlife so relateable.. These are the things that bring me more joy than worrying about bloody money and other issues.
The way for me NOT TO BE A VICTIM TODAY is to concentrate on this kind of stuff that brings me joy.. Okay I cannot be with Scott so I have to accept that.. I am sick of fighting, I have to accept that.. and my miracle has not come, so I have to accept that.. At the moment that may seem like a defeat but I would rather not see it as that.. I would rather try my best to be happy and dancing in nature than stuck in a small room hitting the shit out of a sofa with a cushion, not to say that was not necessary, only that its not the way I really want to be spending my valuable and precious time any more.
Emerging From The Dark Night 