One of my best friends is a fellow Aquarian lady with Dutch background who I met at the dog park in around 2013 after moving back to my home town in June 2011. We connected sitting on the park bench they have now removed.. Sadly the ACT Government re-modelled the park a few years back and took out all of the unsafe old trees.. branches did crash down to due their age and one day a group of us having a lively discussion nearly got hit one day.. Anyway prior to that happening in 2020 we had some great times there discussing so many things and Jane even supported me through my radiotherapy following breast cancer a few years later in 2016.
Jane and i bonded so deeply due to the fact she was a school teacher which was the occupation my Dad would not allow me to pursue when I wanted to rejoin studies and close friends after some time away up north studying social work due to all of the trauma that went down with my near death in 1979 and my sister’s aneurysm and time in a coma in 1980. Dad took the hard line when I came back after that year scared that I was drinking so much and not as happy with the degree. He saw it as me ‘stuffing around’ and made me go to secretarial college and then I got a part time job in a restaurant but I am not sure if he knew the owner was emotionally abusive and I was very scared of him, later I found out he had been involved in drugs and illegal activities.
Jane is someone who knows all about my family trauma and the difficult dynamics with my brother, her own family is being fractured at the moment due to the greed of her daughter in law who has convinced her husband to cut the younger sister of their family business.. My friend is so deeply distressed about it at present she is even considering leaving her husband who is doing nothing to protect that daughter, this just triggers stuff I also have with my brother so its a bit intense when we both meet and my friend rails at the unfeeling patriarchy but I do get it, what makes a brother not care for his younger sibling and actively try to hurt her in this way? We both cannot fathom it, but this girl has a lot of trauma in her own family and seems determined to remain separate which is not the bad thing, actively hurting another innocent person is.
I had a massive outburst of rage in therapy yesterday, it was all over how my older sister was demonized and cut out by my brother’s family, maybe seeing his oldest son the other day triggered this but I just feel Judy was treated so poorly by them. The last thing I probably should be doing is judging anyone but my heart ached to see my older sister and where she ended up and then when she was really struggling for my brother to make the decision to take her off life support when he felt she had no quality of life. Despite being so wealthy and perfectly capable of helping he would not even assist my older sister’s second son to move back here to be closer to her when she was still alive and then he tried to paint me as a loose cannon after Mum died and cut them out of the will with a pittance when I expressed how anguished this made me along with all of my own unresolved grief over Dad.. But how could he hear me, or even hug me when he is just terrified of his own emotions? But is this to be justified?.. It really does hurt!.
My friend firmly believes so many men are selfish, but its the daughter in law causing this problem and trying to keep her family separate.. in the end my own sister in laws hatred of my Mum bled out onto me and all of my siblings.. She had been nice to me before I separated from Jonathan but after that when ever she saw me it was obvious she felt I was lower than vermin and would swoop in to take my nieces son as far away from me as she could on the rare times I ever tried to connect with my brother.. The truth is there is a bleeding wound there inside me over the abandonment and pain and now all this shit with my inheritance and my therapist saying I should let it go,,, well I am not happy about it at all but never the less I have to suck it the fuck up and find a way to deal with the way it can affect and obliterate my body.
In the end its better to own this anger.. I beat the hell out of Katina’s sofa yesterday with cushions, she had to roll her chair on casters away and the look on her face made me feel ashamed.. I then retreated to my own chair that sits opposite hers in therapy with my heart beating rapidly in my chest.. Despite the terror this evoked for me along with a kind of weird surprise at the depth of it, no one died, and I was not killed by it, Katina did not threaten to cut off my therapy but after coming home I thought I may be best to stop therapy now, after all surely all of this anger is not good for me?
Gosh I have a problematic relationship with anger but as Mars inches towards Pluto while Mercury sits 2 or so degrees off and while Venus will join it again soon this anger and assertive or aggressive drive is going to be out there in the collective too.. Pluto Mars must relate to slumbering ancestral wounds or injuries Venus scoured out the basement of our inner selves and past during the past 7 weeks or so..
Risking contact with family has, at times, felt very frightening to me in terms of how my sister is being labelled at present.. I know my brother as a defended male who is terrified of primal emotional erractic power is not going to side with my sister on this one but will defer to her son who is in cohoots with the psychiatrist.. Where the fuck do they get off not dealing with the epigentic side of this.. After all my sister was hit and she had both wrists broken after Mum pushed her into a cupboard then both Mum and Dad tried to gaslight her and deny she was hurt.. It was never safe growing up and now she has to wear the monika of family scapegoat and ‘identified patient!’ its just all too wrong..
At the moment I have to pray a lot, I have to exercise, I have to have good boundaries around food and drink and be aware of what social connections are nurturing and not nurturing. God knows wrapping my head around all of this ancestral and family trauma from long term neglect and emotional abuse or addiction has been a massive work in progress not to mention the fact it nearly killed me twice at the ages of 17 and 43. I am just so eternally grateful I have not had to go down the medication pathway, or been slapped with a limiting diagnosis.. the map is not the fucking territory which on an emotional level can be full of abysses and crevices and land mines when you deal with a family with so many issues as my own.
Emerging From The Dark Night 