A bodily mess

It has been intense over the past 20 hours or so.. I am seeing aspects of people in my life more clearly and then I am seeing how we all interpret things differently and I just listened to a talk on code switching which is about understanding others frames of reference or what Dan Siegel calls their ‘windows of tolerance’ and trying to fit if that does not negate your own reality and is not done to manipulate or curry favor but more for the sake of meaningful caring interpersonal connection.. Some of us so over run as kids get to the point we do not want to change for anyone, but there can be longings too that live buried under the surface perhaps for attention or approval or affection that make us change shape and this can become a problematic thing too if it morphs into toxic people pleasing that makes us surrender and hide our true self.

I had a call from my brother early today about 9.30 am. Honestly I have not battled to stand up this much since Christmas, I was trying to explain my nephew’s take on my sister and how she is feeling being subjected to his fears of her taking her own life, that seems to lay at the base of it after all she made one attempt on her life back in 2013 and I am sure he feels scared she may try again but to have the sole objective of keeping her ‘safe’ when she is trying to bust out of an older persona must be so tough for her..She was not trying to escape from her room at the care home (but who could blame her if she was as I have heard on the radio that people in aged care are being locked in with no water or food at times) she told me they caught her trying to take the fly screen off to see if she could fit some plants on her window sill and when the nurses came in the became all authoritative and over reacted then calling my nephew in distress.

Perhaps if I tell my nephew this he will say its a lie, it’s so hard as when she was telling me about him arriving she said to me “Deb, it just wasn’t Ryan he was speaking to me in such a patronizing way”. Today after getting so mixed around i wondered why I am getting so caught up in this, is it that I want to ‘save’ my sister, to be close to all of the estranged family?r Really I just want to see my sister understood and not labelled ‘psychotic’ after all what is hidden inside that moral judgement?.

One good thing was that my brother actually showed interest in my older sister’s second son’s first born daughter today.. She lives in Brisbane too which is where my brother has an apartment that his wife lives in full time while he lives part time on the south coast.. And I was saying how Jesse looks a lot like Judy and is also very creative.. Its so sad my brother could not respond to that at all, its like he never saw who my sister was beyond her later disease after all of the ancestral trauma hit her like a tidal wave taking her down and losing her connection to her four beautiful boys.. Then her husband was demonized by the family and that caused major rifts.. .

I was also trying to explain Complex PTSD to him.. I mentioned how distressing I find the money situation and the guilt I go through.. I cannot mention Scott but I am not helping him any more.. I have helped him so much and its hard to say this but I do not care as much if he is suffering over it all now, its not my fault.. I tried to help and each time it got blocked I think maybe it was for a good reason…

Anyway my cousin is taking me out to lunch today.. I got out to the park to have run and a play on the swing.. I use the swing to do stretching as with the spin due to my time in skeletal traction being so severe since Mercury (the caduecus) stationed direct it helps me to ground through my feet. I notice that the left foot has problems and it relates too to that tooth I had taken in January 2020.. This year in January I had the missing tooth put on a denture and you all know how I struggled with that. God knows if I ever get to kiss someone passionately again how it will go!! Not that that may be on the cards but you never know.

For a lot of the call with my sister yesterday I was laughing.. She was sad to have missed my birthday and glad to hear of all the love that came to me.. I really am far more connected IN A REAL WAY than in any other year..And for that I am super grateful even if today I have a sore tummy and a very mixed up immune system from all of the recent connections and interconnections. I know my sister is probably very far from balanced and well I just keep praying, after all the angels told me to step back in the middle of last year when I was so hurt bodily and emotionally by seeing her being shocked into yet another catatonic state.. Its out of my hands a lot of it. What i must do is just keep working to keep my own side of the fence as together and functional as I can.