I am reading a new novel by Jumpha Lahiri at the moment.. I picked it off the quick picks table at my local library when I was borrowing another book in the first few chapters there is some commentary about a father and daughter whose wife and mother left, the way this changes the daughter is to distance herself from her father, it got me to thinking how losses can not only color our lives but act as a subtext.
I fell asleep on the sofa last night for a micro nap around 10 pm, I must have been tired after my birthday lunch and all the lovely gifts, calls and a visit from a good friend. But just as I nestled myself under the covers I saw a text from my nephew they have had to move my sister out of aged care again and back into hospital, his words mentioned them not being able to help her.. I just sent a brief reply but was then awake for about two hours at 3 am most of it in the loo feeling my body spin.. The distress in my sister has gone on for so long and I was wracking my brains about what to do, offer for her to come here with me? Anyway I sent a text at about 9 am this mornimg and he called immediately apparently she had been very aggressive with him trying to hit him and also trying to remove the fly screens from the windows and escape which reminds me of how my other older sister now dead made a great escape from another aged care home back in about 2001.
I tried to advocate for her and mention that she needed therapeutic help.. I do not know how much of it sunk in. In a way I saw her fighting not so much as a sign of madness but some kind of progress before this she was just in utter collapse. The truth is though what she does is not in my power or under my control. I can not call or text her as she does not have her phone (another bone of contention.) It makes me wonder how deeply my Mum’s death affected this sister as they were so bonded and so similar in so many ways.
For myself the grief is more conscious at this time of year.. Yes, I was very sad yesterday, I often look at the trajectory of my life and see how stuck I have been and it fills me with inadequacy that therapy is taking so long to wake me up to stuff, that said I was also reminded to check out the stuff I got from Ancestry dot com about how my Great Great Great Grandfather actually died on the same day I was born, 4th of February 1831. He was the one who lost 6 children before he died at the age of 81 The deaths were as follows : the 5th child born 8th of March 1789 died after childbirth.. The 7th child Grace died in 1796 at the age of 2. His mother died 10 years later in 1799 and his father 9 years later in 1808, He then lost 3 children in the year 1818, his daughter Mary died on my Mum’s birthday 1 November in that year and his son Thomas (my great great grandfather’s namesake) died on the 14th of December, his daughter Honour also died the same day.. Perhaps there was an illness around at that time that took these three within 6 weeks or so, their ages were 28,18 and 20. And his first son William (his own namesake) died in 1833 at the age of 45 2 years before his father on the 4th of February 1835
With all the spiralling in my spinal axis last night that kept me spinning that long in the loo it kind of made sense that things came to a head with my sister on the 4th of February, especially since this station of Mercury close to Pluto is smack bang on top of her Chiron in Capricorn opposite Uranus and the South Node in Cancer.
Today it was hard to think of my sister stuck in all of this struggling to break out. Apparently she was screaming at my nephew “you just don’t see me” to which he replied he could see her clearly. I tried to gently suggest perhaps she meant that on an inward level he did not understand. My nephew told me his primary objective is to keep my sister safe.. I just do not know what to do to help it all a big perceptual tangle of interpretations and misinterpretations.
Anyway I made sure Jasper and I got out late to the park for a very long and brisk walk.. It was nice as there were people everywhere enjoying the late summer.. I took my phone and danced my heart out under the trees to this live version of Hall and Oates I Can’t Go For That. I needed to bring energy and joy and vitality to my day to weather all of this..
I am praying extra hard for my sister.. My 60th filled my heart with compassion for both my Mum and Dad. They went through so much, I even managed to finally connect with my brother yesterday afternoon and let go of the resentment over the financial stuff. My brother is a good guy he is trying to protect his baby sister.. I just want to have love in my heart. I also want to be grateful for what I do have.. Some of my best friends still have to work at 60 to support themselves and pay off homes, while I know money does not buy happiness at least it helps with all of my own mental health issues to know I have that financial support.. Its more than a pension would give me and I didn’t work for it, my parents and family did. So today I just want to be grateful and allow myself to have all of my emotions while remembering how bloody grateful I am to be sober, mobile and not confined to a psychiatric institution considering the severity not only of my own past trauma but that of my ancestors too.
Oh My just as I was about to post this I checked my phone to see my sis had called from the hospital to talk.. It took a while for them to connect me to the Acacia ward and she was actually really okay.. She has been hearing inner voices and sadly when she mentioned this it was taken as a sign of psychosis.. Anyway it was a good call and it made me realize how different versions of reality can be..its all beyond words to clearly explain in this post… but I just know that so often its hard for sons to understand mothers. And its also hard when the world misrepresents or misunderstands that just because your take on reality is different it doesn’t necessarily mean its wrong.
Emerging From The Dark Night 