I know lately when I am in my emotions its not the best place to act from at the time.. I need the emotions to understand how I am affected and then I have dig deep for why. In my life a lot of it has to do with feeling powerless due to being overpowered by those with bigger wills which often reduces me to tears (not only for how it manifests in my life but also in the life of my other two sisters).. I do think this comes down to having been the youngest in a significantly older family.. There we so many things I had no choice, power or control over and one was them invading my energy field. That was a huge one.
When I think of this New Moon to become exact in a few hours at 12 degrees of Aquarius very close to transiting Saturn (reality and boundary principle but also having to do with restriction and earth bound or limits of imposed authority) it makes sense this is coming up because transiting Saturn at present moving through a close square to my natal Neptune at present (that squares a cluster of personal planets in Aquarius in my seventh house of relationships.) That relates very porous structure within a person that speaks to them having next to no healthy ego boundaries, almost like an amoeba.
As I understand it , we only develop that healthy ego boundary with accurate mirroring of and attunement to our ACTUAL inner state by caregivers, as babies and toddlers and even later we need mature engaged physically present parents to give us this. For me that all disappeared from the age of 3 onwards, my older sister moved overseas, Mum was working all of the time, my other sister would hurt me out of frustration and I could not tell of it.. Also my Mum had had an hysterectomy, she was older and so often tired out from working late nights at the family restaurant and had not a lot of control over he own emotions as a neglected adult child. And then later she wanted her shops and personal career to come as a priority over me.
It seems so fucking wrong now that the help she left to me is being limited by my brother’s ideas of what I ‘deserve’ or can manage.. Fuck’s sake I am 60 years old, even if I want to lose some of it, is that his problem.? I get so angry about the way I am mistreated and not believed, then feel guilt thinking he is only trying to misguidedly protect me but he is even preventing me now getting my money back from Scott.. And all I can do is pull back and not allow myself to get too angry but its hurting me bodily and I am struggling to stand, get moving and manage all of my priorities at the moment.
In addition, in my need to connect, I can also sometimes attract those who overpower me and I put them on a pedestal. Kat reminded me in therapy yesterday of how much I know, but I am even getting the shits with her take on things at times when my own gut is saying something contrary to her and she seems to want me not to be needy at all.. I do wonder and worry at times about the therapist/client power balance at times.. they get the say so over so much, over setting an hour time limit which to be honest sometimes in therapy I wish it could even be an hour and 15 mins as I leave stressed not having been able to unpack everything.
I am managing that is all I can say.. I am not sure whether or not to seek legal action on this money via the trust.. There is a lot of money there, I do not want all of it but the people my brother is using are profiting from this going on.. I feel now if I do not take positive unemotional action I will not be taking care of myself and my rights.. I often feel real guilt over needing this money but why? I did not choose to be born into this family or suffer a second head injury which made working again almost impossible. I did not choose to be a caring person who loved her family so much she wanted to be there but ended up getting hurt and so entangled with them at times.. An yet as an adult NOW I MUST BE RESPONSIBLE while knowing I CANNOT CHANGE ONE SINGLE THING FROM THE PAST.
Writing helps because today I could not eat until 10.30 again and the critic was again on my case about a few items of clothing strewn about the room due to a busy day out and then speaking to friends with trauma online.. really a mess at home is not a big deal. I keep on top of things, why do I have to give myself such a hard time? Its just that mess or another form of what we call in recovery unmanageability at times seems to mirror a state of emotional neglect I am trying to move out of..
I did not have that quiet time earlier today though I did hug Jasper who had moved outside to his garage chair due to me being pulled all over the place after breakfast today.. I know what is going down in my body and with my immune system and spinal axis has to do with repressed anger, feelings of powerlessness over being restricted and controlled (Saturn) facing off with my desire for freedom (Uranus) but right now I have to be careful how I manage things and any contact with my brother.. As Kat pointed out yesterday his inner child damage also makes him isolate through workaholism.. he never stops working, he hides out in work… deep inside I know he is a sensitive kind boy but that part of his was decimated like it is for a lot of men of that generation (1940s born) who had fathers and grandfathers with carried stress and trauma they could never speak of, give a voice to or unpack.. that then got downloaded into them as a fear of their own and others ‘uncontrollable’ or ‘unmanageable emotions’. He is not even aware of this in himself but I am and so it is I really need to tread lightly around him on this inheritance issue. I have to use all of the skillful means I can muster to fight in an empowered assertive (as opposed to ballistic aggressive way) for my human rights as I continue to do the hard work of rebuilding a strong sense of inner love and authentic power as well as healthier, more grounded ego strength.
Emerging From The Dark Night 