I still sadly look outside of myself to find myself in relationships at times. Sometimes I wonder if this is due to having the Sun and Venus and Mercury in the seventh house of relationships.. For a short time in my young life a mirror was there, my oldest sister now dead, but then she left and it seemed everyone else looked right through me. not being well mirrored I lost access to myself on some level. I ended up being left alone a lot and fell into a kind of void I am still working my way out of.
In the past, I looked to others to define me and my value and ended up losing power in that way. Only slowly I am finding it back because in the past the inner critic stepped in just to obliterate me or otherwise I would allow myself to be torn down by others superficial judgments.. Sharing with others in recovery (especially women who get so overpowered and devalued by men) that is not uncommon. So it is we need to over time work to find and love and care for our true as opposed false or co-dependent (overly outward focused) Selves.
Now I am working to call that power back it feels good when I do.. That is when I no longer get ‘spun’ and instead can stand firm in my center, no longer as beseiged by my own or other’s wild emotional seas. I can also learn to stop shaming and blaming myself as society would and to turn the toxic inner critic into a love patient parent who helps me to know healthy discipline. T
It helps me to know that I have value in the eyes of God, that he knows all of me and accepts all of me even the places where I may have got confused, arrested or failed to develop. The sixth and seventh steps of addiction recovery also promise that if I turn to him and my inner loving wise parent with honesty and grounded humility I will find in times a foundation of strong self, a calm center at the midst of the ocean that no wild squall can totally overwhelm.
I can also find healthy mentors who will help me, recovery buddies more likely to mirror to me my true self rather than a false one. Instead of looking to my wounded family unconsciously or cutting off in angry resentment when they obliterate me, I can choose to stay connected to them but I am also seeing that if I allow myself to stay vulnerable I can also draw help from family at times too. Knowing this fills me with both joy and hope.
I just called my brother to let him know how I struggled with the clothing issue for my sister last week. He has been through this with her too and told me I need to pull back and what to say in a kind way to do it.. This is better than me lashing out like I did in August last year even if, at the time, that was totally necessary.
Coming up to my 60th birthday in 6 days and the solar return makes sense.. I was a little tired today but I did sleep until 3.30 am and then got back to sleep at 4 and slept through to 7.45.. I was up and moving around between 3.30 and 5 breathing in in bare feet underneath my lovely tulip tree.. Soft rain fell in the night and it was humid.. My body seemed to have thrown off that toxic dental stuff and my new denture was adjusting. I had to take it in and out as I moved around and sorted out the right tissue salts to take.. Thank God for these they help set me right each time if I pray to Archangel Raphal for that bodily intuitive understanding and help.
All is well in my world and I probably do not need to turn away from relationships so much in fear any more.. I pray to my loved ones past and feel them close, including by beautiful older sister who suffered so much and in the end was permanently immobilized.. My only niece cannot drive and neither can my living sister, but I can and I manage somehow to keep fighting to stand upright each day. Could it be that I am the only one that is finally going to beat this ancestral curse that has dogged the women in this family for this past few generations?
Emerging From The Dark Night 