When I have been hurt, I need to learn to deal with the hurt in a clean clear way, this is tough, to have the permission to feel it honestly without my inner critic decimating this impulse takes work but to keep holding it inside myself and then ruminating and festering on it will in the end only end up making me sick.. Then I have to take the necessary actions for self care, in this case with Scott not being pulled in by the sorry which is not an amends at all as it never leads to a change in behavior. In fact a meme I recently saw said that a sorry with no honest change of behavior is often only manipulation.
It also occurred to me this week after trying to help my sister only to be shut down again that for many years I have lived deep inside a prison of F.O.G. – Fear, Obligation and Guilt.. I always feel I have to be ‘kind’, to ‘do the right thing’, to not keep that person waiting, to show interest in the things that interest them while they ignore what interests me, not that all of that stuff matters, just that as a survivor of childhood emotional neglect and trauma and invasion I came to believe that nothing I felt, knew, saw, wanted, needed or hoped for was worth anything. My father showed me this in many ways causing wounds that stayed so unconscious for years.
I was unsure whether to push myself to the AA meeting today.. I had to walk Jasper surely and make sure the house was perfectly tidy before I left.. NO! So I did go. I love my local barrista Miguel and so I called in to get a coffee on the way there and even learned something new about him, that he has a second job gardening. I had just been listening to a garden designer and horticulturalist sharing on Radio National about patience when establishing a new garden, not to over fill it and that it takes 8 years for plants to mature.. I have seen this in my own garden which was established when I bought the house but needed changes.. Over the past 10 years I have planted a lot of plants, some of which worked, like Choisia, Agapanthus, low growing red flowering grevillias, camellias and viburnum as well as Hellebores or winter roses and some of which have failed, its has only been since about 2020 that a lot of the ones I planted are really getting well established and some areas are overly ‘full’.
I actually made it to the meeting on time using Google assist though I had to park on the road and walk there as I lost the way to the car park entrance at the Salvo’s church.. I listened and enjoyed the first half then at the break when everyone else went out (probably to smoke as its a beginner’s meeting!) the lady in front of me turned around and her story was amazing, she got sober at a homeless men’s meeting in Sydney and had quite a pathway to sobriety.. She studied psychology but was still ‘mad’ in many ways, she shared it was only through a thorough and fearless 4th step looking at her motivations, fears, insecurities and ‘defects’ that she was able to let go of resenting her abusive father.. What she shared is that she feels it is not essential for us to forgive what an abuser did, but that we must not let the poison of it destroy us, this is what is bothering me with someone I know lately who writes all of this angry poetry about his abuse. But maybe that is my issue, that I wish he could turn it around so as not to have it hurt him and when he shares it I can feel ill due to how uncomfortable I have found my own anger issues in the past. I feel scared too if I share how I feel it may cause damage to one of us.. But that may just be a fear and I am not entirely sure of the motivation for it., to be liked? To stay connected? To help him ‘change’? (last one not within my power really!!!)
I can no longer keep accepting Scott’s apologies accompanied for more demands for rescue. I cannot keep pouring all of my energy into his needs any more.. I have been setting this boundary for a week now and even if it means my other money will not be repaid I must now build up my own resources.. Venus rules money and its place in Capricorn at the moment which is about Saturnian qualities of grounding and rationality and Mars just moved into Capricorn too this week and Mercury is now there two in the final degrees moving back to meet Pluto before it, too, goes direct on Thursday the 3rd of February, one day before my birthday.
Saturn (the ruler of both Capricorn and my Mars, Moon, Sun, Mercury, Venus Jupiter and Saturn) is on my Sun today by transit.. that means I have to own my masculine power rather than look to Scott or other outside of me (and square to the personal planets do have to to with where F.O.G can derail us due to inner child wounds and emotional confusion over boundaries and ‘responsibilities’. Since my Sun squares Neptune too and leads to a low concept of self value I really have to keep taking steps to raise that by taking actions that do not induce me to feel shame..
Really if I look at everything objective I am in a good place and seeking out healthier places and tools for me to feel more valuable (Venus going direct today).. I feel resentful Scott will not recognize my boundary but I have no power over that but I will not let it make me stop enforcing this boundary. As my therapist Kat has said when I leak money to him my mental health suffers and its a bodily challenge as well, it really really has been making me very sick since March last year when I agreed to help after he kept pressurizing and manipulating me.
I also need to get some training this year so I can have an income too.. perhaps something in the therapeutic, astrology, addiction recovery field. So there are lots of positive steps of action I can take (Mars Saturn) which will help me far more than continuing to drown in resentment and self pity as well as the deep confusion of F.O.G.
Emerging From The Dark Night 