Grateful

I get real moments of deep sadness at times but despite this I feel hopeful and yes, even grateful. In so many ways I am lucky to be alive, to have survived what I have and even on the days I judge myself for falling short, most of the time I show up and am not hiding out as much as I used to.

Watching a movie about someone full of resentment and the hell that is creating for those who love her this evening, makes me even more grateful for finding my way to AA in 1993. Even if after 1999 my attendance at meetings dropped off for a time and I began to find better help in Al Anon I still feel that the 12 steps are the path for me.. I am looking forward to getting to the meeting again tomorrow that I attended for the first time in a while. But most of my peace comes in silence lately, in those times I let myself just feel the full impact of the things I have endured and at the base of that find both acceptance and gratitude.

It was not lost on me reading a piece I copied out for a post last night from an Al Anon book that in it it mentioned how vulnerability opens the door to our higher power and perhaps even to our higher self.. This is the part of us that I believe is eternal and can witness things and make a container inside our heart and soul and body for them.

This vulnerability for me is very much linked to both humility and acceptance.. When I accept the things I cannot change and hand them over it is actually more peaceful for me because there is no greater insanity than either trying to control things, situations or people we cannot or blaming ourselves or others for things not going the way our ego or will judges to be right. This does not mean we have to accept unacceptable treatment, we may need to walk away but facing facts makes it more likely we find the power to do that, to move out of a victim stance and take the power into our own hands where we can to make our lives more peaceful and full of joy..

When we cannot control the outcome having our feelings about it and letting go is the fastest way in my experience to serenity.