Triggered

Birthdays coming up can be loaded and fraught for many of us with emotional neglect wounds. I was told yesterday no one is prepared to meet to celebrate my 60th at a dinner due to fears about Omicron, fair enough, but then I asked someone for the number of an old friend thinking she may like to meet for lunch and the person who has that contact she’d only let her know and get her to contact me, immediately I had pain in my body and that walking on razors feeling and felt so alone and powerless and not wanted.

I was trying to check my ego hold the wounded abandoned part, while listening to the voices reminding me of how many times I’ve been blocked sent away or disregarded and ended up feeling so angry and powerless as a result. I was both praying to Archangel Michael for help and trying to be kind to myself while seeing it from the other side as well. Sadly inner injuries to Self can often result in painful reactions and defenses and my inner critic was on my case again. I sent her text to say she had chosen not to meet and I wondered why since only two weeks ago they all held a birthday dinner for another friend plastered all over Instagram.. Really though another part of me felt it was childish and even silly of me to have set myself up to be hurt and excluded by them again.. But another part wanted to be more grown up, why was I acting in such a childish way and being so resentful about it all. Why couldn’t I just accept life on life’s terms with more grace?

I tried to call.my therapist without success then called another friend to debrief, that helped, she understood and said that this friend does that kind of thing regularly and she understands I felt sad so in the end it all got negotiated well but when a text just came from other friend saying our other friend is very busy with family again I felt the profound aloneness of my path,but that is on me to manage not to dump on anyone else.

At this point I want to focus on gratitude by not getting too caught up in remembering how much I missed out on due to Mums issues and the accident at 17. That totally temoved me from the mainstream for so long, then Judy’s aneurysm in late February 1980 set up other chains of painful, exiling events of profound emotional separation that left me with massive trust and addiction issues..

I am experiencing a lot of self attack today over my own emotional immaturity at times and failure to birth in the world too. . This happens. I noticed it all and then made the effort to get out of my head and active. I cleaned out some old junk and clothing from the spare room, put on some washing then came to the park where I just met a Mum from Manchester and her little daughter on her bike but as we spoke about the UK the little girl ended up falling off. Oh my just like when I crashed in 2005 overeas.. Luckily it was just a tumble nothing serious at all, but I had then the thought is had been my fault for distracting her mother.. Funny how things unfold.

I sent a text back to my friend who would not give me the other friends number and told her I was triggered and recognized the outcome of whether that other friend chooses to call or not is out of my hands. Admitting powerlessness at times may seem like a kind of defeat for the ego but maybe its a necessary, non narcissistic one.

I need atm to be active but gently reflective too at the moment.. Uranus going forward is releasing a lot of trapped energy and Venus slowing to station direct in 8 days will be bring up old injuries so we can find a new relationship to them as well as to our authentic self (Venus in Capricorn soon to meet back with Pluto, planet of authenticity and transformations.)

A chat with my good friend Sue helped me today not to.personalize any of this . I just got triggered but there is a lot I can do when that happens not to be taken into what Peter Levine calls the trauma zone. So I will focus on the good things today, getting good food, time in nature trying to connect, breathwork a bit of slowing down and caring for both my house and Jasper while being mindful that very old deeply rooted painful injuries and sore spots do exist. They are not a figment of my imagination or about me being ‘too precious’ in my life. I really did undergo a massive amount of trauma I just no longer want all of that to be limiting my life and leading me consistently to damaging interconnected trauma loops of destructive self or other attacking thoughts and feelings.