I listened to a really informative progam on All In The Mind, yesterday, a show that airs on our national radio in Australia.. it was with both a therapist and someone who was controlled by a mother whose control led her to developing both an eating disorder as well as suicidal ideation. Some of you may know from an older post I did on the work of Jonice Webb on emotional neglect suicidal thoughts and feelings occurring in a sensitive, (often younger sibling or child) often points to issues where they were not attuned to emotionally and then end up later in life very confused and blaming themselves for everything.. This called to mind something a blogger I recently started following shared about on Sunday, feeling guilty for ‘venting’ serious anger at violation and being confused about why she felt that way. Oh boy could I relate.
To be honest bodily I was struggling after the past week yesterday, on Monday everything came out in a torrent in therapy. I had a huge outburst in the privacy of my own space on Sunday after the accountants were questioning my brother on whether I was so called ‘entitled’ to certain monies my Mum left for me in Trust. . I have been controlled over money ever since I let my brother know I was helping Scott and asked for help only to be slammed for ‘squandering’ my inheritance.. This is not the truth but no one believes me and I will never share about that now with anyone but my therapist..
In his reply to them kudos to my brother he admitted it was my money and I needed to feel ‘comfortable’ about it while slamming the little Toyota Yaris I drive as too old and unsafe. Just where this is coming from I am not sure but it may be down to when I nearly died at 17 that I was driving my Nana’s little blue Datsun 120Y and it ended up smashed up like a sardine tin. When ever he goes on about this issue to me he tells me my car is like a ‘sardine tin.’
Dad kept a photo of the smashed up car in which I was crushed trapped and and had to be cut out of after impact in the study of our home after it happened in September 1979 when I nearly died and was in hospital for over 3 months, so maybe he showed it to my brother and there is still fear over that.. I do not know.
Lately if he mentions me needing to upgrade my car I just go along with him.. but I am and adult though I never seem to be treated like one.. and despite acknowledging my developmental arrests and doing my best I seem to be continually sidelined.
Anyway I am leaving a link to the podcast on this type of emotionally immature parenting which can take four different forms.. The end result of it being we sufferers tend to end up blaming ourselves for a lot of things and being very confused about OUR TRUE NEEDS, VALUES AND WANTS SINCE THESE NEVER SEEMED TO EVEN FIGURE FOR OUR PARENTS. ITS A SHIT LOAD TO BE ANGRY FOR AND BLAMED ABOUT BUT THEN WE ALSO MAY NOT KNOW HOW TO BE MATURE EITHER AS A RESULT IN OUR ACTIONS. Still the anger NEEDS TO COME OUT WITH A SAFE PERSON IN ORDER THAT WE CAN RECLAIM OUR POWER BECAUSE IF WE END UP BLAMING, SECOND GUESSING AND DOUBTING OURSELVES OUR LIVE END UP AS A COMPLETE MESS AND WE NEVER TRULY EMERGE.
A fear of being controlled (that has justifiable roots) may also turn us into a rebel which at times may be good for us but on other levels not so much. Confusion over boundaries is a huge part of coming out of this kind of long term emotional invalidation, confusion and neglect something our parents are invested in our NOT KNOWING THE TRUTH ABOUT VIA GASLIGHTING..
Even though it really spun me out energetically hearing this program yesterday it seems fit for a period where my Sun Mercury Venus Jupiter conjunction square to natal Neptune at 13 degrees Scorpio is being ‘hit ‘ by transiting Mercury and Saturn and Uranus right now.. Uranus goes direct today at 10 degrees of Taurus.. so it is time to gain awareness into these patterns of deep confusion (Neptune squares to planets of identity (Sun) communication (Mercury) and relating/relationships/self value (Venus)).
Somehow a loving force guides me each day to a place I will hear or read about something to help me, often after someone else reached out or struggled too. I am just grateful lately to be learning more and not blaming myself quite as much. Or feeling as suicidal as I was around New Year.
Emerging From The Dark Night 