One of the signs of so called ‘spiritual awakening’ is listed as difficulties with sleep, this can also relate to being over wired, over thinking, to underground fear in PTSD conditions where loss of consciousness is associated to lack of control or being over powered.. For myself ever since my husband and I began to tear apart around the age of my Uranus opposition (which occurs for all of us between the ages of 40 and 42) that is when all the ancestral stuff started kicking around. From that time on, I started to experience a difficulty with a lot of anxiety and trouble sleeping
By that stage we had moved back and forward to the UK two times and I was battling with the tug of war desire for my own life and fear and guilt and the need I felt to be there for family in Australia. At that stage (2002) my Mum had fallen and badly damaged her wrist, my older sister had been put into care then taken out by her alcoholic partner who then beat her up and left her with nothing which was a similar pattern of discard that happened with her husband from and in New Zealand and so it was we came home and then began my troubles with sleeping.
As some of you know I then went back and forward to the UK twice sustaining a second head injury in July 2005 a year after my husband walked out… I then came home in early 2006 and was alone in the house by the sea my Dad built in the 70s and only got to enjoy for about 4 years before dying in 1985. I went into a kind of breakdown or some would say ‘awakening’ or dark night of the soul period then.. I had massive dreams and spent days and days just writing and being in touch with voices in my head which is also apparently another sign of spiritual awakening.
Since then from studying a lot of psychology around trauma, neglect and voices I have learned a lot of this can be down to what we absorbed from teachers, parents, sibling and caregivers too and what they may had downloaded into us. A book and therapist that helped me at first to understand a lot of this was a guy called Robert Firestone who has written some excellent books including Combatting Destructive Thought Processes. That said there was also, at that time, a lot of unresolved grief feelings both from my own life and the ancestral life trying to make itself known and find a pathway out.. Thus the writing and recording of dream images I began at the coast.
My inner voice was clear it wanted me dead. This is the same voice that tells me I am a waste of space, worth nothing, that other people do not love me or want me around. It really is a kind of anti life devilish voice..
I felt a bit hesitant yesterday about posting the video on ‘demons’ after all I know the demonic voices get formed in the psyche due to trauma and they may be about an ancestral issue too, so the entire issue is complex. I got into listening to a lot of sermons by US preacher Joyce Meyer last year on this stuff, and was interested in her conceptualization of the ‘devil’. Joyce had bad abuse and was told by a force of love to care for and about her abusive father and non protective mother anyway but her younger brother was not so lucky, he ended up dying by his own hand which rang alarm bells but just goes to show we all have a unique way of making sense of our trauma and the hatred it can leave lodged inside of us.
Today I woke aware of the high charge of the current times.. Uranus goes direct today a few days out from Mercury, planet of perceptions and thinking turning retrograde on Saturday. Uranus like most other planets makes its backwards move once a year for five months and I clearly remember this one starting in August last year as on that day I could not get moving at all and I was having lots of conversations with my sister who is now so immobilized and out of touch due to Covid and my need to take distance..
Today I am aware as Uranus moves forward it will be opposing her natal Saturn in Scorpio over the next few weeks that she shared with Mum who had that placed with both the Sun and Mercury in the sign.. Which goes to show a lot of buried emotional charge.. Mum could blow her stack which is something I really wish my sister could, but my Dad was a great internalizer too and I do believe that was part of what contributed him to developing cancer in the stomach which eventually killed him. I think there is a reason my sister’s body is shaking and trembling so much and its not down to Parkinsons.. its down to her need to fight to emerge and throw off ancestral ‘stuff’. Mark Wolynn explains how when multi-generational trauma healing happens a lot of his patients shake as they throw off the old pains and anxieties or grief or fear that did not rightly belong to them.
Uranus and Mercury stations can bring higher levels of anxiety anyway and I woke thinking about this today as a lot of people on the Face Book Ascension page have been sharing about intense itching, high pitched wringing in their ears and other sorts of Uranian things and that makes some kind of sense occurring at the moment.. Today I put on music first thing and danced around to move and ground this energy.. I also made lovely ginger and tumeric tea recipe someone kindly shared on that page.. It really helped my digestion which has been off since having all of that dental trauma last week with adjusting to the new denture..
Thrown into the mix is all of the Venus retrograde saga too. I found myself over the weekend experiencing waves of anger over past nasty treatment at the hands of one ‘friend’ who judged and criticized me when I was drinking a lot and threatened to cut me off as a friend.. Perhaps she was within her rights but I was not hurting her, only myself and to call me at work and say that on the phone one day, it really really derailed me. At that point my Higher Power had placed me in a job anyway that would eventually be instrumental in my recovery when I would finally choose to get to my first AA meeting about a year later.
As I look back I see how much of the ancestral issues blew open for me at mid life, from the age of 40 onwards.. 50 years was also a critical ‘hit’ since for most of that it coincides with the return of the planet of wounding and healing Chiron to its birth position.. That brought me out of the last ‘failed’ relationship back home to the place of all of my earlier trauma in order that I could face it.. It meant I also had to deal with the illnesses of two sister’ and my mother from a host of outplaying multi-generational and wounding to the feminine feeling and body patriarchal issues.
Today I feel so grateful for my containers.. We all need these.. Mine are as follows
A good therapist
Tian Dayton
Donald Kalsched
Good spiritually and emotionally attuned friends
The ancestral connection and healing wisdom
Music
Nature
Writing, sharing and blogging
Poetry
My beautiful home
Books
I am aware that something big is opening up for me in terms of understanding exactly why all of the things I used to blame myself or others for happened as they did… and that has a lot to do with Uranus now moving forward in the Venus ruled sign of Taurus.. Taurus has to do with a sense of value and beauty in our body, it relates to sensuality and the senses, nature and I also believe things like poetry in a way.. Its ruler is placed in another earth sign too at the moment, Capricorn so as Venus continues to move backward for the next 11 days before turning direct on the 29th it will be very important for us to get out of our heads and into our bodies and nature and attend to domestics.. That said Mercury in Aquarius moving retrograde encourages us to spend time winding down and in reverie.. We need our minds to make sense of things the problems only come when our mind starts to move along negative pathways and then goes on to stir and whip up our ‘pain bodies’. Our pain bodies need our soothing and love when Venus is retrograde.. And Uranus may help us to bring insights in to how we are and have been using our minds in our life to make things better or far far worse both for ourselves and for other people.
Emerging From The Dark Night 