Lee Harris’s guides the Zees were very clear back in November about what we humans are going through and how we are creating our own reality through certain narratives..At this point what you believe will heal or poison you basically and if you want to continue to wallow in stuff rather than take positive action that stuff will drown you.
That said we need to be doing the feeling, shedding, releasing work, this is not about denying genuine pain sorrow or sadness. These are all teachers .. I believe it is all up to us to take responsibility to become more conscious and stop blaming unfairly those who are unconscious without taking on any crap. We need to not allow this hurtful energy to become locked into the body…
As kids we get treated in all kinds of ways that either permit us to move and have our feelings without shame or that lock us further in or cripple us with negative thoughts or some kind of arrest or paralysis..In order to win love we adapt but some of us lose center and do not develop great ego boundaries.. Some of us may be absorbers or sponges.. . I am seeing this more and more clearly and today listening to the second part of Donald Kalsched’s video where he talks about how a client was chained up like a dog as a child due to his parents not being able to control him as a child, boy was I triggered.. I got put into a harness at 3 and led around on a lead. At one point my arm got pulled out of its socket by Mum and as many of you know that was just one of a host of injuries I suffered due to Mum and Dad’s attention either being elsewhere or focused in avoidant or compulsive ways..
I understand more and more now of how I began to be fearful of and reject my vibrant alive happy self, of how I placed my power outside while carrying an inner knowing.. I think of the times I found it hard to fit in because of this.. and of the lonely places it took me to but on reflection loneliness actually became a teacher.. and my dreams always led me to know when there was change afoot and never more so than when I got sober in 1993.
I am thinking a lot too today of a dream I had before a lot burst out of me last week (on the day ruled by the planet of action Mars – Tuesday) with opening up on Facebook and then being terrified of a hissign wild possum that invaded the house at 5 am while clinging to the wall on the following day, Wednesday.. On an energy level it was almost as if that possum as a wild creature was a manifestation of something, I thought it had to do with boundaries but it didn’t as a few days prior I dreamed that the husband of an older neighbor who had a stroke last year came storming through my house in a rage.. All I felt in the dream was the terror of this energy and that he was so angry at me..
Yesterday listening to how the dream figure of the axe man turned up for one of Donald Kalsched’s clients who was at war with trusting and depending on him as he took a holiday break it all made sense to me.. I had the earlier dream of reaching out to my therapist Kat and her only being able to hold me with one arm… the right and then I went into a kind of collapse in the dream.. That really did happen and to hold myself over the break I cope by reaching out to crisis support and friends and recovery buddies for some kind of holding, especially amidst all the deep distress about the terrible place my sister has now gone into.
I seem to be liking my true self more on the back of this and feeling less anxious about expressing it.. . I seem to be becoming less willing to take on the burden of family responsibilities for others my Mum tried to pass onto me…and less willing to blame my family for this. I may be hated by them for it in time I do not know but at this time I no longer want to be a victim and I do need to claim my power.. All along I have cared for family, wanted honestly to do the best but then I forgot myself and I got bawled out over it a few years ago by one nephew which on one level I understand but an not prepared to suck up without a heartfelt apology.
I did put a call through to my older sister’s oldest son last night.. I do feel for him.. He is trying his best to help his mum while not really having a clue about what is going on deep inside of her.. As I see it is deep seated terror and shame and fear and its not something anyone outside of her can fix, it may also be that she absorbed the feelings from Mum of not good enough and tried for far too long to hide behind appearances. I honestly am not God so I do not know but I do know I came across a quote on the daughters of narcissistic mothers site last week from Karyl McBride on Facebook where she shared this thought
Daughters of narcissistic mothers are generally the scapegoats for their mother’s projections, including a fragile ego and self loathing.
That seemed to ring true and Mum carrying that was not her fault at all she was not valued, held, cared for and about, attuned to or helped at all as a child. Like many adult children or grandchildren of addiction, trauma and emotional neglect she had to raise herself up and run run run.. there was literally no support and the way I see it this began to crash when my older sister had the aneurysm and I had my accident.. I am sure my father even felt all of this deep stuff errupting as when I lay in hospital for so many months he went out and bought me a book for the very first time in my adolescence and the book was Anna Karenina and I am sure you may be aware of the opening quote about unhappy families.. that could apply to families with unconscious trauma.
The truth is we can become victims of all kinds of unresolved energies as children, we can begin to identify with the powerlessness of having had to absorb and take deep within us the traumas of our parents to resolve or play them out, but we can ALWAYS WORK TOWARDS UNDERSTANDING, AWARENESS, ACCEPTANCE AND ACTION AS WELL AS WORKING TO GIVE THIS BACK WHERE IT BELONGS.. WE ARE JUST CARRIERS TO STRUGGLE IS NOT A REFLECTION ON US.. FOR US TO SURVIVE AND BECOME CONSCIOUS AND NOT DROWN IS HARD WORK AND IT IS LONELY WORK BUT IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE WORK..
If instead we consent to stay trapped in freeze or fawn we will go down. If we want to remain angry victims that will not help.. After all unconscious life is living itself out.. If we do not learn to fight in the right way and surrender that we cannot control due to never having caused then we may literally begin to drown under the unresolved ‘sins’ of our mothers and fathers..
To sin means ‘to miss the mark’ its an off base target shot fired in the wrong direction and yet we have to keep trying and failing only to learn.. What other way is there?
At this point too we need to look at where our fear of death over Covid is manifesting like a massive collective Post Traumatic Stress issue.. I was attacked by a guy in the bookshop the other day because I had my mask in the car and popped in to browse in the poetry section.. He tried to have me thrown out.. I will wear a mask to do the right thing most of the time but this guy was almost psychotic..
What is our fear doing to us collectively, what is our consent to remaining victims doing to us? I love the words of A Course In Miracles..
I am not a victim of the world I see.
This is not about denying anything.. Its about taking back a sense of power and also being strong enough to know when we need to surrender that.. this way lies peace and serenity.. At least for me.
Emerging From The Dark Night 