As I look back on my life I see it was so difficult for me to contain or easily express anything of what I had absorbed growing up. As a child no one much paid attention to me after a certain point, I was the cute baby at first that everyone ran to be close to, but over time they all went their separate ways and Mum was too busy and Dad just was very distant too and so I basically just learned to turn away and try to make sense through writing and reading, even from a young age and then soothe myself with food and later things like alcohol and dope. People to my mind where never that reliable or interested in me at all.
I am glad I had the path to go down of reading, writing and using my brain to make sense, for so often seeing how our family hurt others trying to marry in, or the way everything was geared around externals and particularly on the material level (Venus) which makes sense if you know deep in our ancestral history we lost a lot land and wealth and on my father’s side it was a struggle to live as a kid and then to have war looming on your doorstep as well as that mass psychosis of Hitler and Nazism well that just makes it a very terrifying marinade or difficult trauma filled ‘soup’ to have grown up inside.
At the moment a lot is happening in my family around money and value and I am the brunt of difficulties due to money I loaned to someone and the fact my mother left it to me to help out my older sister’s sons after she died instead of fairly alloting them an equal portion, its been so tough the pressure I have been feeling along with everything else going on with my sister who has all the psychiatric damage that today I just had to be with myself quietly and calmly while I cried over it and tried to shift my energy to a more positive and healthy person direction.
One of my sister’s sons is effectively homeless at the moment although his younger brother has given him refuge.. We did manage to speak the other day but when I spoke to my other nephew last night I found out he is very angry not only at my brother but at my older sister’s sons and when we spoke on the phone on New Years Day I had all of the same deep guilt over things not even fully my responsibility.. After all my Mum decided she wanted to help her daughters first in life and due to the fact my brother in law abandoned my sister she may have been carrying hurt I just do not know… its just a bit of a mess and it makes me feel so sad sometimes.. Usually I have therapy to discuss this but not for another week so I am attempting to download some of it here.
I have helped this one nephew financially when ever I could. My brother is not interested in that side of the family which is sad too.. but he is an adult and allowed to make his own decision, I wish he could help as he has more than enough money to do so but he is not that kind of person and last night my other nephew accused him of greed.
For myself, I am just getting to the point in my life where I do not want to judge anyone.. There is a saying by Carl Jung :
thinking is difficult, that is why most people judge..
I was also reading in my book Calming The Emotional Storm last week how judging only heightens and intensifies emotions and I see this in trauma survivors all the time who carry hurt and pain and then get attracted to mulling and stridently focusing on situations of injustice.. I could be a bit like that myself but lately I am honestly just wanting and needing to find a softer, kinder, more gentle way.. All that anger,angst and resentment over things I was powerless over was just hurting my body and I am over being in pain.
Anyway all of this is very much Venus retrograde and New Moon in Capricorn energy… I am wanting to be far more realistic and grounded these days.. I am sick of ego in the negative aspect, that said learning I am a good person who struggled so hard means now I no longer will take on blame or shame. The more I allow these in the more they lower my vibration and I do not believe that the power that created me wants to see me beaten down, riddled with undeserved shame or guilt and unhappy.. I believe that power wants to see me happy, free and standing upright.. in touch with creativity, peace, wisdom, understanding and joy, so today that is my decision : to commit to being there for myself 100 percent. After I manage to do this then I may just be able to see just what positive contribution it is that I can make to my immediate world to improve, uplift and educate others still hurting and longing to heal the damaged sense of their inner worth and value damaged by bullying, trauma, neglect, toxic shame or C PTSD.
Emerging From The Dark Night 