I posted this earlier and took it down.. There are just a million tears this afternoon..I never wanted to hurt my nephew I was just so so scared for my sister being so unhelped. This is my vain attempt to make something of the painful entrapped no win situation but what solution does it seem to offer?
I had the insight a moment ago of the dark past my sister is entrapped inside as a kind of ancestral curse.. All of the meds in the world cannot help her there.. This palpable dark past was what scarred me in 2001 when I made my first visit home after two years living overseas with my then husband in Cambridge. There I was able to make real positive steps forward.. I got a job and then managed to find a great Jungian therapist. In time I started the psychological astrology course : that had been a dream for me for many years, ever since when still in active addiction I read some powerful writing by astrologer Liz Greene on depression, the soul and family fate..that just made so much sense..
But sadly in 2001 when I came back to Australia for my first visit my Mum had a very bad fall. My elder sister had gone through a lot too. Mum had her forced out of independent assisted care into a nursing home and then her alcoholic partner busted her out but in time he abandoned her and beat her up and in time Judith was airlifted to a place in the outback while Mum struggled to find more adequate care for her. at at home for those with acquired brain injury where she ended up living in the final years 2003 to 2014.
A few month after returning to Cambridge in 2001 things detonated for me in the UK.. How could I leave them both so alone, my then husband thought it was best we came back but everything in me on some level knew it was wrong the moment we did it. I tried to go back to the UK in June 2002 and then was forced to come home and got stuck so stuck that my husband decided to leave me in 2004.. I then tried to go back to the UK in 2005 and had the head injury and that forced me back again as the family I was lodging with said my pain was too much of a reminder for their daughter who had lost her best friend to addiction some years before.. What the fuck!!!!! I was sober and trying to build a new life.
When I think of how much I struggled in the dark pit of isolation I see now how ancestral it was.. This living sister who struggled was trying to bust me out which makes me question if my own urge to move forward was, perhaps in being derailed, a contributor to what happened to her.. I just read a quote from Tian Dayton on trauma bonding between siblings and it made sense to me, after all as siblings raised in families of trauma we all come out of similar damage but in narcissistic families where belonging pr being loved may be conditional upon bonding with and trying to find the approval of a parent with narc issues we can end up being turned upon and against by those very same siblings. This most certainly happened to me with my sister before the head injury when I was taking refuge at the coast house she accused me of all kinds of things and asked Mum to choose between us. At that point I was in so much confusion and unresolved grief.. and I did manage to get back overseas only to crash and burn again.
God only knows how hard I try to stand up and get moving to take action for good on each day.. So I do empathize with my sister’s struggle. Back in 2020 she was trying to come alive and doing so well but she allowed fear to take her down and felt threatened by her older son in some way.. As I look into the astrology I see why, having a son with his Saturn on your Moon sign can mean they become a kind of critical shaming parent at times and a family friend has pointed out to me many times my nephew’s defensive need for perfection and control, to the point he sometimes uses sarcasm with one of his own sons and a kind of covert humiliation. But the same time on a positive note he wants her to be alive and yet if she reached out for a new relationship she was always scared of his reaction this is what ended up happening in June 2020 and she became badly unstuck.
Anyway I can now see writing this that there really is no way I can rescue my sister from that primal ancestral pit because in many ways I am not even fully individuated myself.
Still at times it angers me we are still so retrogressive in understanding the long and deeply tangled and complex roots of epigenetic ancestral trauma.. My second cousin was sharing the info with me on Friday that she learned from having her ancestral gene codes researched. On Mum’s side we have several generations of active addiction and depression as well as many many many losses and much grief.. As a Pisces I see my sister as a container for this.. Mum had Mars in Pisces on the same degree as my sister’s Venus and close to her Sun.. My Chiron (planet of wounding) is placed there and my sister’s Mars in Sagittarius squares it.. I have experienced her actions and words as harsh, hard hearted and wounding at times..
Writing this helps.. Ancestral trauma is real even if no one much wants to know about it.. This work I have been doing of releasing ancestral grief makes sense as does waking at 1.30 am feeling I am on a rocking boat, after all at this time of year in 1874 my ancestors were in transit on a boat named the Dilharee to Lytleton in New Zealand.. They arrived on the 12th of March.. If my sister is in some kind of ancestral boat or casket right now then it makes sense.. I remember clearly visiting her late one evening during that last round of ECT earlier in the year and sitting in her room that had a light shaped like a boat portal or window. As we sat in silence I had the sense we were on a boat.. And then, as I write this, I am aware of the dream I had were the two of us walked the length of Mollymook Beach and came across an enormous beached whale lying there.. in the dream I turned to my sister and with the saddest of eyes she said to me “the whales are such sad creatures”. I see that as the surfacing ancestral history and know the Self and part of the ancestral or collective unconscious may makes its presence felt in dreams.
These things I know and feel but oh my how I long for light and life and joy.. Why should we both have to remain victims of this?? It is far too dark.. My sister is only 67 she deserves more life.. but I am so scared that without the right help she will not make it.. they will just keep drugging her and not encouraging her to live but then she also is participating in this. Truly its enough to shatter me on every level, but I really cannot afford for that to happen now.
Emerging From The Dark Night 