Upsetting things

There are things that upset us, they just do. They can be a trigger for something we went through that evokes a flashback or emotional pain.. This afternoon it was a scene in the movie Tree of LIfe where a husband forceably tried to restrain his wife as she tried to protect her children. As she struggled he got her in a strangehold from behind until all she could do was submit and collapse. Watching this I felt my whole body clench and then started to cry while inwardly I was crying “let her go!”.

There are upsetting things we are told not to be upset about, there are things out of control we do, then we can see things happening outside of us that are affecting someone we love and have no control over, we may try to act to ease their suffering but it may not help, in time we may have to walk away and that is not easy.

A lot came flooding out with the Lifeline supporter today, I was grateful for that medium in the absence of therapy support for 3 weeks. Christmas is not easy but I have to adapt and look for the blessings. Nevertheless my body went haywire several times.. And about an hour ago I felt myself to be fragmenting as everything around me in the house became too much, I fantasized calling family and them not knowing how to help or respond or possibly looking at me as if I was a pathetic mess. Then I flashed back to an incident in that final year of my drinking in 1992 when I had a major outburst at a friend’s 30th and had to be forceably held down by people there, the father of my friend walked into the kitchen when all of this was going down and looked at me in disgust and said with contempt “get her the hell out of here.” I felt such shame about this, a friend had made a disparaging comment and it triggered me into fight.. This incident got me into my first attempt at therapy even if it took another year or more to get sober, I was drunk at the time.

In a painful flashback there is no sense of being here in present time at all, things feel completely disastrous and overwhelming and it can feel like you are dying. At this point today I just had to get into bed and cry, it was all I could do. But there are signs of progress lately, I force myself to get out and walk more when I get triggered into collapse or freeze or my system gets overwhelmed with trauma cascade

There were points today when I felt so completely alone and desolate, especially after the call from my brother.. There were times today when I was blaming myself for everything that has gone wrong. There were times today when I actually felt like I am dying.. These feelings do pass.. I share about them perhaps talking into a void at the moment and yet I need to say it… even if in time I think “why the hell did I even bother opening my mouth on my blog, who gives a fuck?” Thoughts are just thoughts they may be accurate or wildly inaccurate, and at times the distressing and upsetting things from the past flash back or run across our minds like a news reel. I just need to remember at this time of year there are all kinds of painful associations TO THE PAST.. I just have to remember I am NO LONGER LIVING THERE and yet as the lifeline counsellor said to me this afternoon, these things will always be with you, at the same time as she validated my pain.. That means a great deal in a society which would at times rather you are not triggered or upset by the things you are, even if, in time, those feelings DO pass. Just having them validated makes you feel far less fragmented.