The grief is intense today, its flooding out of my body and I ended up bleeding on the carpet after another attack.. I took a call from a friend last night I rarely hear from at the worst time..I had dinner nearly ready and I could easily have told her this and asked to speak later but I didn’t and it was a long conversation with her doing a lot of the talking and then I tried to eat and chat with my headphones on and as soon as i got off the phone my gut went into terrible spasms and it was hard to stand up.
I managed to get off to sleep but woke several times and the second time I was dreaming that all of my pain over absent parents was pouring out in therapy and in the rooms, my therapist Kat stood up to embrace and contain me but when she tried to hold me her left arm stayed by her side and I was dropping.. I woke with a start.. she has dropped me at a very painful time of year due to a three week break and left me with no support at all.. I am not angry but just sad. Part of me feels it should not be up to her anyway, and that she told me how tired she was, and that is a repeat of how tired Mum was so often. Maybe I attracted this. I expressed some anger over it in the second last session and she looked pissed off at the time but later she told me she was sorry and it was just tiredness.. She gives me so much when she can out of her kind good heart. I do appreciate her, she needs a break its just a tough time of year.
Its best to write some of this out. I managed to get myself off to the park and sit quietly and pray and a butterfly flew past again as the breezed picked up during prayer, I always see that as a sign that the spirit is close. I got petrol and food on the way home as its Christmas tomorrow so I have something easy and nice for lunch but when I got home the tears just flooded me again and I put my hand on Jasper’s heart as he could see I was upset, but he had run away before when I was collapsed in tears in the chair outside under our big tulip tree.
I thought of my brother a lot sitting in the park. How at least he came by to see me on Sunday, it isn’t much and his family will be very close by on Christmas day. It is many years since we got invited to a family Christmas, never the less I want to be grateful, when did I reach out to them in past years and they are on a different wavelength to me in a million ways.. At this time of year I do not want one toxic emotion of resentment (which is really down to a lack of acceptance) to poison anything..
My thoughts are also with my living sister and I do not know where she will be spending Christmas.. I think of calling my nephew and apologizing but I just cannot bring myself to do it.. Was it wrong of me to write about him in my blog, after all in Al Anon they say ‘let there be no gossip or criticism’? I did not ever mean to paint him in a mean way I just could not see him able to respond to his mother from a point of view of true empathy when he told me last time we spoke he found her at home in bed ‘drowning in her own muck’ it felt like contempt to me.. Who says that, how often did they visit or call.. Not that her mental health is anyone’s fault.
These things go round in my heart and mind and sometimes I find myself back in a dark space but then a chink of light comes.. just like the sun has just made an attempt to appear from behind the clouds that are mercifully keeping the sting out of the Sun..
I had some nice moments of connection with my neighbors and their young family yesterday which was a reason to be grateful however on some level I am feeling very abandoned at the moment, but in that space I have to be kind to me and recognise what adult me can do to take care of that forlorn abandoned part…
I spent some time putting love into my body today as it is very very very sore today.. Maybe my body speaks in pain at times for the unresolved grief I carry.. Even if no one understand that and knows how to wrap arm of loves around me, I must try to do it, sometimes lately death seems close I have lost so much weight.. but maybe these are just painful Christmas thoughts at a time of year when two death anniversaries and my distance from any family and associated feelings of disappointment and grief are painfully close. And I am most certainly not alone in struggling at this time of year.
Emerging From The Dark Night 