There’s floods of feeling washing through me this evening, it feels like a kind of pre-Christmas solstice awakening.. Seeing my brother today, thinking over ways I have reacted in the past due to things being out of control in my family and then contemplating the 12 steps I see that on some level I needed to be restored to sanity.. that sense of quiet balance and acceptance that no longer splits things into torturous extremes of black and white.. there is just a lot of non duality arising and forgiveness as well for me at the moment.
After having dinner I read this and it resonated with my current experience so I felt compelled to share it this evening.
Step Two “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” filled me with hope that I could live a sane and balanced life. In my family there was never a sense of balance, just extremes – poverty and plenty. power and helplessness, violence and uneasy calm. I longed for balance, for a feeling of normalcy that might help me to feel safe and connected to others.
By witnessing the miracles of others in recovery I learned how to surrender to God and ask for help, coming to rely on my Higher Power for restoration to sanity. That answer to my plea was to learn how to live the Serenity Prayer. With help from others I slowly began to define balanced manageability for myself. God helped me discern the difference between letting go of the things I could not control and changing the things I could.
I once thought that balance was the privilege of those who had grown up in normal, non alcoholic families. I thought I was permanently damaged by the chaotic extremes of my childhood. Now I know it is possible to be made whole, to be rebuilt, to be restored to sanity.
I am feeling that tonight.. I am even willing to make amends for those changes I tried to force that were outside of my own power or control before… This is giving me such a sense of deep peace and calm acceptance. There is nothing left to fight. Only surrender.
Emerging From The Dark Night 