I realized with a start today that at times I react too much upon emotion, I may denigrate logic in favour of intuition and am verbose as I try to find words and meanings for the cascades of sensations and emotions I experience. Perhaps I need all that verbage to sift through. However, often its the complex messy unresolved emotions of my inner child running things and then I may lose perspective if old hurts, longings, frustrations, 😠 or desires are running things. Then I get landed in hot water and end up getting burnt.
It was good to pull back from someone this week what was being projected out was not healthy, and my healthy intuition was operating. Someone told me to grow up as I tried to sort out that tangle on my blog. There was some truth in it but all of this was a part of the process, trying to get a better insight into when compulsion is running us or others.
Those of us with deep abandonment trauma and complex PTSD wounding react so quickly due to problems with holding and containment. Fear of experiencing tough emotions makes us abandon ourselves and if we were forced to sacrifice our own needs to caretake, others can pull on that from their own wounds.
Perhaps the shift into fire and Sagittarius is giving me some elevation and wider perspective and I’ve been having to dodge certain people who are confabulating their own issues with mine or who I was drawn to due to similar levels of abandonment wounding. As I work to hold onto myself and still relate with healthier boundaries the following axiom came to mind, to “be as cunning as serpents and wise as doves” from the Bible
My body goes into a meltdown energetically when someone is trying to connect with me, this morning it happened when this female friend from overseas tried to call me. Often I pick up she is slightly drunk when she calls she doesn’t listen and talks over me saying, “listen listen” over and over. We were both shared a place in my earlier drinking days. When we reconnected in my home town a few years ago she told me she was going to AA but I think that stopped and she has massive abandonment wounds due to being adopted. She reads my infrequent Facebook posts and reaches out but talking to her when she is under the weather is not healthy or even good for me, I do it at times and have to be super patient and silent as she tries to force her views of my past on me. And it made sense the other day when she waxed on in admiration about my Mum that they were so similar in erasing me and obviously identified with each other.
This comes from Judith Orloff and explains how we can pick up on other energy and I believe this happens even as their mind is deciding to connect with (or to us)
A tip-off that you’re absorbing someone’s energy is to notice if you experience a sudden change of mood or physical state around that person. Most likely, if you didn’t feel anxious, depressed, exhausted, or sick before, the discomfort is at least partially coming from him or her.
If you move away and the discomfort dissipates, it is definitely not yours! Sometimes, though, the emotion or symptom may be both yours and another person’s. Feelings are catchy, especially if they relate to a hot button issue for you. You are more prone to take on the emotional or physical pain that you haven’t worked out in yourself. The more you heal issues that trigger you, the less likely you’ll be to absorb emotions from others.
Interesting as we both had or have had abandonment issues.
Anyway I was trying to get on with present day responsibilities with my house which I chose out of a lot of emotion and then Mum and the auctioneer forced me into 10 years ago, it is a lovely old place but it is badly in need of upkeep and maintenance and I cant let my PTSD issues make me neglect it. At times I get so overwhelmed.
I am reminded today that childhood abandonment trauma takes A VERY LONG TIME TO WORK THROUGH. A lovely Richard Grannon video was sent to me by my good friend on the healing path last night. In it he speaks of kicking the inner critic to the kerb by being soft, light, playful, loving and gentle with ourselves. Too often we or others try to beat us over the head metaphorically with a big stick. Happened to me twice now on my blog in the past 5 weeks. I fired back cause I will no longer allow my inner child to be savaged.
To heal I must love, accept, and embrace all the various parts of me, and I am allowed to shout back until I no longer need to do it and be so triggered by another person’s lack of depth, compassion or sensitivity. When my ego is stronger in a healthier way I may no longer need to do that. Still I am a firm believer now in calling a spade a spade.
Emerging From The Dark Night 