It’s not easy this path of becoming and trying to emerge with solid ego ground under our feet when we have endured forces trying to erase our authenticity.. I wish I could be tougher at times.. but all I can do is struggle through trying to swim and surface in this sea of (at times overpowering) emotional energy that surrounds, and often even seems to, consume me. And re-editing this an hour late I see that even though I may not be tough at times, since I am so sensitive and emotional that does not mean I am not STRONG.. A warrior at times in ways others cannot see or know or even have the faintest clue about.
Then,when writing I think of that powerful metaphorical image of transformation, the chrysalis and how the caterpillar has to birth itself to butterfly through pain, loss, struggle, uncertainty, dissolution of old parts of self and confusion, subjected to long periods of grief, despair and not knowing while it senses the life giving things that will feed its soul to fuel its emerge into butterfly as resources it must connect to and also birth from within incorporated as true aspects of its authentic soul expression not forsaking a spiritual connection while staying earthed..
So it is for us on the individuation journey and the long and fraught battle with Complex PTSD and multi-generationally carried child hood trauma..
On the path our pain becomes our own best teacher, pain over the invalidation of others shows our hurt and wounds TRULY ARE REAL we are not making them up as my good friend Corey and I were discussing last night. We were talking about those times people have told him not to let his trauma ‘control’ him when actually knowing what his young body went through and how powerless over it he was (the most violent abuse and then abandonment by the parent who could have helped him but chose to turn a blind eye and leave him alone with the abuser (his mother) and will still OWN NOTHING!) We know better as survivors of covert or over violence, that those attacks we both endure (now as replays of the buried events) are not under any kind of conscious control but to do with stored vibrational trauma and energy…and contain shit loads of carried rage and terror downloaded into us by wounded caregivers.. Hold back with the fucking drugs please LETS GET THIS OUT OF OUR BODIES BEFORE IT STAYS IN BURIED EVEN DEEPER MAKING US SICKER AND MORE CONFUSED!
So it is we the wounded limp on alone with others who do not endure a modicum of what we did hurling stones at us at times.. Yeah, I am going to call it all out today… Been over denying it and sucking up downloads from those who really just do not understand and yet lack the sensitivity and ego strength to say they do not and cannot understand something that lives so far outside of their own experience. Or are alternatively numbing themselves it booze drugs and other prescription meds while judging us from their lofty perch of numb!.
That said we do need at times perhaps soothing from meds but let us not get confused here about THE TRUE HISTORY CARRIED INTERNALLY THAT NEEDS TO BECOME A BOIL AND ERRUPT TO SPEW OUT IS POISON and that may lead one to become a serial killer, like the men describe in New York Time’s best selling author, Sam Harris’s book Free Will. As my therapist Kat said to me a few session ago it is interesting how many people traumatized or terrified as kids are so into horror and this kind of serial killer stuff, which actually turns my stomach knowing and feeling for what IT TRULY IS ALL ABOUT.
So let’s stop shutting people down can we? Let’s get brutally honest about what is really going down inside a traumatized body trying to heal and tell of its story through its fascinations and symptoms.
Emerging From The Dark Night 