I had to tell someone I could not pursue a relationship with them today and it did not go down well, their reply was “thanks for hurting me” (with prayer hands emoji) and of course that hurt me because I was being honest.. I wish I could have just accepted that but I replied “that’s unfair and a bit immature.” What I had also sensed in this person was a desperation not to be alone which was almost like an avalanche. How well I know that feeling, it fact its made me accept unacceptable behavior in the past that desperation to have someone there. But then another part of me thinks this was, yet again, the toxic superego being a bitch again to the younger self that just loves, and hopes and wishes and desires.. All of that desire energy in some way scares me I feel I may be overpowered by it and disappear or be obliterated in some way.
Perhaps I could have handled this better with a sorry but was their desire and then hurt over my unavailability my fault? After all I try to give lately and that I was in fact being honest and did not want to cause them hurt, knowing that wound they carried was actually kind.
This really is Venus Pluto terriotory. It got me to thinking of David Richo’s wonderful book How To Be An Adult in Relationships, which is all about not allowing the hurt, deprived, wounded inner child in others or us to be a cause of further hurt, wounding or projection.
It also bought to mind a comment my ex made one time when I got annoyed he had no time to talk due to watching Bear Gryls on tele with his son.. “You can keep your ego, no love!” Ouch.
How can we best handle disappointment was the thing on my mind this morning and I then remembered a while back being in the kids section of the local library reading and coming across a picture book to help kids negotiate disappointment.. I wish I had noted the name of it down as it was very helpful.
It is a lonely prospect to know Christmas is coming and I will be alone. My whole body hurts at the moment I actually cried quietly when the gardener said a moment ago it will be four more weeks to his next visit with Christmas on the way.. the guy I connected to yesterday was on the way home and so excited to have someone to come home to, but I had to pull the pin as things are not sorted with Scott. I could not abandon him, I do believe he is genuine though no one else around me believes he is an even as I examine everything I realize gave way too much and possibly should have let go a long long time ago to be with someone real. It honestly feels like my body is decaying from the inside at the moment,, too much isolation and like with my Dad everything goes to my stomach and I have lost so much weight.. I was already down to a size 8 but today when I put my jeans on they were so loose..
I thought too, earlier of how soft my Dad was despite the things he did to me during those years 1981 to 1983 that hurt me so much and worsened my addiction, he would not hurt Gary so he took on a lot of stress about money they had to borrow offshore to finance Gary’s schemes and then everything went wrong causing him so much stress it was after that he got sick and died with stomach cancer.. I think the choice I made today to keep being there for Scott may be the end of me.. I imagine how it will be to die of stomach cancer.. Kat my therapist says he syphons off my energy.. I feel so weak writing this.. but I cannot abandon someone.. someone I made promises to… so this my day.. I have the dental treatment hanging over my head tomorrow I tried to reschedule but there is nothing until March.. My hair has all shrunk over the past week even more… I did sleep through last night but breaking things with someone who could have been there and been supportive well there I go again back into being alone since it seems for the longest time is it the only thing I know best. But to let someone down who has been trying to be with me for nearly four years while hitting every imaginable road block that is something my heart could just not bear to do, a wound I could not bear to inflict, knowing how painful it is, and yet is that not very very codependent of me?
Emerging From The Dark Night 