I should have known that when Venus hit Pluto I would be taken down again by Scott.. I honestly do not know if this is genuine.. My heart says it is but each time he asks me for more money my heart seizes and I am so deeply disappointed with myself I let it get this far.. It really on one level is causing me so much self disrespect at the moment while on the other hand an innocent part went on trusting.. Jasper does not always come and sit by me when I am low and crying but last night he did.. I had a huge swing before I got the text that I thought was going to say he would be free soon.. Instead I see something about 5000 more US dollars and I just feel apart.
I could be silent about this.. family maybe reading and from the sidelines laughing to themselves about how stupid and naive I have been. I do not know.. Should I even care?
My life is so unpredictable and messy and I know getting into my head and going through all the ins and outs on this would not be the best as even if I think it are those thoughts ‘true’!. All I know now is that I have slammed the door shut again.. Enough is enough especially at this time of year. And it may seem a silly trigger but Rayna dying suddenly of complications after an accident in the Nashville series and the family weeping by her bedside just reminds me of how it was in the year my Mum died except no one in my family cries. At the end they had her so cataonic with meds I could not bear to hang around for the final hours while a gleeful palliative care person was almost joyfully trying to explain to me from the end of her bed how this stage of dying is for people in hospital.. Get me the hell out of here! My inner self screamed. What between that and them brutally and unfeelingly using her as pincushion in her final days it was FAR TOO TOO MUCH. And Kat always reminds me of this when in therapy I get waves of guilt for not hanging around for those final moments. So when the ‘end’ or her new soul beginning came I was at home having a quiet cup of tea and at about 4.10 pm my brother called to say she had passed.
One thing is blatantly clear to me contemplating all of this today and having my body swung and spun so much in the past 20 hours, the schism between our soul and ancestral buried live and the modern life so cut off from any kind of sympatico with the natural part death and long term evolutionary traumatic imprints play. I hate aspects of our culture with a venegeance at times but I have to live inside of it.. And that the fucking military do what they do if they are just sucks.. I heard a program on vets the other day and a caller called in and said this : in Australia the military demand 100 percent commitment and loyalty from their troops but when they come home wounded and traumatized they do not get it. Its fucked.. it really is our heroic masculine system of numb I do hate it with a fucking vengeance.. there that is my Venus Pluto rant for today.
Emerging From The Dark Night 