I will survive this

I remember well all of the loving support I got on WordPress back in 2019 last time the shit hit the fan with Scott and I blocked him.. One follower I deeply connected with did a post on theme songs for her favorite bloggers and the one she chose for me was Gloria Gaynor’s song I Will Survive..

The truth is I did fall apart so many times and it took a lot of strength to do that as vulnerable as it made me. And as I look back my life has actually been dogged by loss after loss. I have had the solid ground underneath my feet detonated many many times in my life but most especially from 17 years onward. But even prior to that there was loss of the people that were more of a strong foundation for me like my older sister leaving when I was only 3.. then there were the moves that took us into so called ‘upward mobility’ and they came with a lot of loss of connection for me as well as movement into more alone time and isolation and so I learned to become more comfortable alone and perhaps even more distrusting of others.

It is funny as I found myself collapsing in tears with my cousin’s son on Monday this week before therapy.. He told me he had recently been having dreams of both parents dying and he is actually close to the age I was when Dad died.. So I started crying telling him of how hard that periods was and being sent overseas alone. and how in the absence of love and care I turned to alcohol.. Simone gave me the biggest hug on Monday and that felt so good just to have the comfort and validation to feel safe to cry with someone who cared.

I do live with that constant sense of instability, threat and impermanence.. Apparently knowing and living with that sense of impermanence is a thing those with a strong Pluto influence know well. We know it is a fact of life, this loss and if Saturn is strong we know what it is to be denied or limited in what we need over and over again. Is the purpose of all of that denial to make us stronger, to help us recognize limits? I do not know but sometimes I just feel crushed by it all. Writing down my thoughts is my way of processing especially at challenging times when old patterns based on loss rise up and show dysfunctional sides.. So I am doing that with this post.

It is true I get taken down but I do usually find a way to get back up again after it all.

In life it is hard to know where the next hit will come from and one of the long term effects of living with chronic PTSD can be that we try to control or micromanage due to our own anxiety.. This is something I lived with in my mother due to the deep insecurity of her past and the absence of a loving masculine source of protection so if I have been vulnerable in my life, especially after she passed that is why and if at times I find it hard to manage my energy, that too, has been a contributing factor..

After my Mum died I looked for that man to protect me when really perhaps I had to try to grow my own inner masculine to help me rise out of this deep sense of insecurity and low self esteem that seems to be a consequence both of adult child issues and lack of nurturing and encouragement or championing of the true self and THAT IS MY WORK.. IT IS THE WORK OF ANY HANDLESS MAIDEN TYPE WHO NEVER GOT TO GROW HER OWN HANDS DUE TO NOT BEING ABLE TO BE STRONG FOR HERSELF AND IN HERSELF AS WELL AS IN KNOWING OF HER TRUE NEEDS, WISHES, TALENTS, AND DESIRES.

That this is all coming to light seems right with transiting Uranus now beginning to square my Sun in natal square to Neptune as Uranus in Taurus also opposes that in the third house.. this is the part of me that is weaker and open at times. too open and too young possibly.

I was interested last week in a talk by Jung where he said that the doctor who helps a patient with a neurosis of some kind must be able to support that person’s egoism.. Many of us with strong invalidation themes from emotional neglect and suppression of the true self have to find a way to grow a strong ego container as an organizing center of consciousness and if we did not get help with that growing up its reparative work which is hard to do but not impossible after midlife time when the wound tends to ark up. I think of how I struggled in this regard and have been lucky for therapist who does not try to shut down expression of my dark side with meds.. I see that happen all too often and it so so soul disempowering.. We need to fight and when all we knew was how to collapse, erase or be erased by others no medication is going to give us that strength and power.

Speaking and addressing the issue of power in this post I was drawn to the following biblical quote today which I keep close to the table where I write most days.. it says..

“Declare over yourself ‘God has not give me a spirit of fear, but of POWER, LOVE and A SOUND MIND.'”

Wow! Does that hit hard.. Often if we get gaslit our parents attack our perceptions and mind and even our gut impulses and instinct so intrinsically related to our true spirit and fire.. Then we end up confused which is shown in my own chart by Mercury (planet of mind) being caught up in that so called ‘combust’ aspect with the Sun and Venus and Jupiter all in square to the watery ego dissolving essence of Neptune..

This goes so deep for me that if I have a thought or impulse its not long before another thought comes in to over-ride it and then I look outside to someone more ‘powerful’ to help me like a little child. I recognized this most clearly today in regards to Scott.. When he first wanted to connect and told me he was in the military my first impulse was ‘No!’ and the words I said to him were ‘the military is tough on souls’… and just look at what I have been put through.. That said my Higher Power told me today to see that all as a lesson for me, as meant to be and part of my learning.. If I beat up on myself and keep looking back in punishment I will be turned into a pillar of salt like Orpheus. when he is permitted to rescue his love Eurydice from the Underworld but loses her at the last minute by looking back.

I need the power of a sound mind.. there is so much in that..so so much I need to draw upon in that quote.

So no matter how often I fall apart. then I will also in time, recollect those scattered pieces of myself back together too.. and also have to work to address those ego leakages that allow others to syphon off energy from me as an empath or with vulnerabilities, longing and that core wound of not being championed, held, filled with power and love.. that part that left me with such a rickety foundation.. .this for me is not easy as an empath and someone who learned to get by giving but only ended up, at the end emptied out by the giving and demands of others wounded too.. So this is why I attracted Scott into my life and the tough work I am trying to do to attain my center even in the midst of all of his demands.. As Kat often says to me.. even if you had to pay a lot of money to learn this lesson, Deb it will be worth it if you can come out of this with a stronger sense of your true self, needs, aspirations and values in tact.