Lately I see how stuck in my traumatized reality and past I can get at times. In fact at critical anniversaries (and my sobriety birthday as a trigger which is tomorrow) I can get eclipsed my memories of all of the family trauma and living alone and not making steps to get off it makes the focus darker at times.. Today I also listened to a show on resentment and gratitude and it spoke of how we so often focus on what is wrong and painful or hurtful.. Certainly we need to pay attention to hurt inside of us and where it comes from and if others hurt us (even out of no mal-intent, another thing I was thinking a lot about today in terms of how often as sensitive we may be hurt or injured without the other person’s intention) we need to find ways to practice self care.. I guess in this way its important to give ourselves that self compassion without resentment towards those hurts becoming all encompassing.
I also worried a lot about this yesterday thinking of my living sister, sometimes old hurts festered and I went along on events it would have been better not to, not taking my own feelings more seriously but when she was unwell I am not sure talking over our traumas may have helped her at all. There were a lot of tears shed today, as there is so much that cannot be changed and in the lead up to Mum’s anniversary its so hard having no contact much anymore with any family at all.. I have noticed that over the past year we have all just become more estranged and calls and messages are returned less frequently.
I noticed yesterday, too, reading about that breakup took me back down into painful memories and last night in the middle of the night I woke at 3am trying to breathe and move my body to get upright and I had a lot of memories comes about that very dark period 1987 to 1990 when I had that termination and finally moved out of the share house with a lot of others who drank and used drugs. It also occurred to me that the street I live in was Cambridge Street and one of my flatmates was named Jonathan. In 1993 I met my husband, Jonathan, got sober and then moved to Cambridge in the UK in 1999.. Maybe it is all coincidence I do not know.. Then this morning in the shower listening to the Sade song Kiss of Life I just felt all this grief and appreciation for having met and married him.. Kat always says I was struggling so much in those years that led to our break up in 2004 but he also went through a lot with me after I got sober and was trying hard to find ways to manage and understand my feelings and my past.. I left him alone in Australia to go back to England for six months in 2002 and that was so tough for him, then I would not make a move forward with him to go back or move closer to our family and I was not seeking therapy so he decided to leave me which I understand now but that then put me into the darkest time of my life really.. A kind of deep dark personal Underworld that I am only lately breaking free of.
Maybe it is a sign of growth that I can see how others were affected by what I went to, and it was hard that they did not know how to help me but then I was not giving myself the best help either and it took until about 2016 to find that and yet even now I wonder and worry how much going into past hurt is going to help me, for I truly do not want to live in an unhappy place when new life is here for the taking.
Possibly this is just a stage.. I could get out of bed and walk around at 3 am. I was awake ages and must have fallen back to sleep about 5 am only to wake at 7 am so sucked down the vortex it took ages to get upright again.
Today I felt a great soul loneliness at first and I have been shedding tears over my Mum and dead sister for a lot of the morning.. I hadn’t gone to the fruit and vegetable markets for a long time and they always remind me of Mum but I did today and I have a lovely interactin with the barrista at one of the delis which lifted my spirits. I got a curry puff to take home for lunch and my other food and I have eaten now.. It is my oldest sister’s second son’s birthday today, I did not manage to get onto him but I had a memory of my sister’s funeral today. At the end of the service as the hearse took her coffin away I remember standing next to him and I watched as one of his tear drops fell onto the bitumen beneath us.. He is a very muscle bound big guy my nephew but was such a sensitive child, closer in age to me than my own siblings growing up.. I do miss him and on days like today I long to speak to him, am really missing family at the moment.
In terms of letting go of trauma and resentment maybe that is a journey for each of us that is very individual. There is no easy way to process hurt that may turn into hatred or resentment, some stay stuck there for years and some are made bitter by it, that is not a path I ever wanted for myself, after all so much that happened was benign neglect even if it meant heaps and heaps of physical injuries and a couple of near death experiences. In the end I am alive and am grateful to be, that really is the most important thing to remember in the lead up to Christmas and Mum and Dad’s death anniversaries.
I was also inspired by the attitude of terrorist attack survivor Gill Hicks when I first heard her share her story on the show Ahn’s Brush With Fame where the artist interviews his subjects while doing a portrait of them.. For those who do not know Gill Hicks lost both legs in the 2005 London tube bombings and has gone on to be an advocate and try to learn what makes people become terrorists.. The following makes interesting listening as I found the link to it on the site I shared with readers yesterday I found on Facebook The Forgiveness Project.
Gill speaks in that interview about her interest in the way she was able to move through to forgiveness.. It is something that it is important for trauma survivors to share as the attitude we take to what happens to us in life has a huge ripple effect on many lives at times.. I will leave you with the link today as I finish editing this post I started yesterday.. I hope other readers gain some inspiration from the sharing from Gill Hicks.
Emerging From The Dark Night 