Sometimes I get periods of being so overwhelmed.. I can see I have taken on too much or am surrounded by too much, and to be honest after moving back here in 2011 there was one stress after another and no one really present, then I allowed myself to be talked into trips that at times just made me sick or dredged up so much pain like the trip to Sydney with Mum, Betty and Sue where I could not stop crying and they got angry with me, so angry I ran down to one of the function rooms in the hotel where we were staying and hid. I wish then I got the bus home to Canberra after they went out to a dinner my sister told me I would only ruin if I went along on crying, but I didn’t I waited for them to come back and then the next day they gave me the silent treatment.
These things come back to me at times when the house gets overwhelming for me, and when Scott has asked for even more money and I lash out and then end up crying again, but I know I have to keep strong. I cannot let these inner voices kill me off or destroy me, today I did well we had a lovely long walk and Jasper got a good run out, I was able to enjoy my morning coffee and listen to songs I love and relax for a time, make a nice lunch and do a bit of cleaning up outside after all of the rain.. I managed to be happy for most of it apart from crying after getting another short text from Scott.
I just have to ride through all of these emotions cause what I am coming to understand even more deeply lately is that if you allow an emotion and do not block or resist it or get sidetracked into punishing thoughts about it IT DOES FLOW ON THROUGH AND PASS.. IT DOES NOT LAST FOR EVER. You see before my emotions just felt so overpowering at times I had to react to resist or stop them in some kind of self defeating behavior that did not help and that got me in even more hot water.
Today I must try to encourage myself even as the signs of the recent storms make it appear like my house is decaying, a rug I had in the garage got soaked and is now smelling a lot and there are puddles of water everywhere, add to this some of the plants have been badly knocked around.. Anyway all of these ARE SUCH MINOR PROBLEMS WHY WORRY OR ATTACH TO THEM? I must keep reminding myself to keep a sense of balance perspective and not ‘awfulize’..
I also need to remember I can take action to improve things my critic may point out need attention, like my bike with flat tyres and some rubbish or things that I no longer need cluttering the garage.. I can pick up the phone and get some help with these things and take action I do not need to collapse in tears but sometimes at this time of night I just do. I think of my sister and my Mum and my brother.. but its just emotion passing on through that is all I need to remember, along with the fact I can hold my own hand and give my self a bit of a cheer up pat on the back when things start to look too overwhelming to my inner child, that smaller more (at times) powerless feeling side of myself.
Emerging From The Dark Night 