I do have power : thoughts on anger and Complex PTSD

Feeling powerless is a huge part of PTSD and Complex PTSD. It may be a consequence too of a certain pattern of childhood trauma. For me, the head injury of 2005 was just another huge ‘whack’ in the top of trying to break free from the family while still not fully understanding the impact of all of my emotional neglect carried over 5 generations and then having all of that compound grief start to break loose around 4 years earlier. Sadly I broke apart one container of therapy before it was firmly sealed to come home to Australia where I struggled for 6 months only to return to that therapy 2 times before the head injury made me abort it again in 2005. At one point I had crossed back and forward to the land of my ancestors six times.

This week I have really begun to feel the return of that buried power held down by shame and the inner critic, fear of coming alive is still there along with dismay that by nearly the age of 60 I am not further along which is really not at all realistic or fair considering how much I have been bequeathed by inheritance to work through. I still can beat myself up about that all of the time, because self love self affirmation and self soothing never came easily to me or any of my famiy and siblings and we live in a society, as I see it, that is in the main ignorant of the full impact of and processing of carried family inter-generational trauma.. This is slowly changing and the purpose I devote to changing with my blog and personal sharing here.

I am slowly managing to slow down that massive anxiety I carried running around to try to “fix’ or support family and Scott and being relentlessly driven by all of that rampant perfectionism and fear of disorder we grew up with, which with my Mum and one sibling became a form of self punishing OCD. But I also see where and when I can start to get ‘racy’ and a little drunk on emotions that are never totally easy to self contain. I noticed a big shift with this on Tuesday after therapy when I stopped myself getting hooked into what was totally unnecessary anxiety over house duties and chores.

I found an excellent website today after doing a google search on the link between procrastination and passive aggressive behavior, (remembering how often the silent treatment was used on me in the past.) It is full of informative and detailed information on being raised by parents with personality disorders or adult child issues. The post I read on anger explaining what it is, why we need it and why it’s expression becomes so problematic for those of us raised with no emotional literacy, was enormously helpful. I include the link below to the article that says that dealing with the healthy expression of anger (and by association being able to self assert) is one of the major tasks for us raised by disordered or self absorbed, critical or shaming or shut down parents. Without experiencing what makes us angry we cannot learn about our boundaries since, according to Karla McLaren (named in the article), “anger is the body’s signal that a boundary has been broken.” For those of us who learned to fawn, roll over, suppress and appease in the face of hostility, threat and other demands by those bigger and more powerful it is so important we learn that our anger is not a sin or defect.

If you have been exposed to abusive behavior to a prolonged period of time and you are a normal human being you are going to feel anger. Period,

Source below :

https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/12/13/non-pd-anger

Being able to set that boundary again yesterday enabled me to sleep so much better last night.. I still heard the critical shaming “come on, get over yourself, suck it up and do better” voice lambasting me yesterday, but I was able to withstand it by going on a walk and then today when it was back and savaging my inner child I took her by the hand in my imagination and my guides helped me to put the young me in a room where she had access to canvasses and paints in the most vibrant of colors. The Zs said in the last initiation energy channel by Lee Harris that I listened to that creative self expression is a big thing we need to unfold in order to anchor more joy in our life and more fully into our soul on earth.. The colors my child was especially hungry for were turquoise and orange, so I imagined these…

Today I recognise the only way I can today become a victim is to be held hostage by critical shaming thoughts and old programs that do not speak to me with love and encouragement.. Re- reading the meditations in Lisa Romano’s wonderful book Loving the Self Affirmations : Breaking the Cycles of Unconsious Codependent Belief Systems is helping me too.. ever so slowly I am finding ways to feel safer and more self empowered.. It will not happen over night but it will happen as I keep working diligently to encourage deeper self respect, self love and self understanding.