Its been intense this week, I can’t explain where I’ve been in words, I jut read a poem about tears, rain and mothers. It’s strange as earlier I was wondering if all of this rain is a feminine blessing, or reminds us of the souls we loved who have passed? Maybe it’s just where I find myself at the moment, collapsing into tears due to the upcoming anniversaries and then experiencing burst of frustration and rage. My body felt way out of my control this week, not sure if it was that late massage I had on Sunday afternoon, as soon as Glenda left at 6.40 pm I ate quickly being ravenously hungry, then my body started uncoiling with those surges loops and spins. On the way to therapy the following morning I felt blocked on the road and had big surges of anger.
I struggle to eat, then possibly over eat, have that second cup of coffee I don’t need that then gives me a headache, then I get upset with myself for having it. But in the midst of this my compassion is growing at times even as I see how mean people were to me at times. There are hurts I carry that honestly run so deep but I try not to give into that but then attract people who are more in touch with their wounding and honest in their expression of darkness and then I see how I fly above it at times with philosophy. That said multi generational carried rage packs a power punch, it is bloody tough carrying it. Today I was on the floor crying while visions of all my trauma ran through my mind like movies, the next I was up energetically clearing leaves from the back yard and pruning only to get waves of rage at getting forced into this place in 2011 when I needed other support and attunement.
Kat felt it was good that yesterday in therapy I could finally see how much I’m blaming myself for stuff not mine and SO FAR OUTSIDE MY CONTROL and a good family friend said on Saturday she felt I’d often blamed myself unfairly for things not my fault.
Despite this breakthrough yesterday today I felt angry, hopeless and suicidal again. I don’t know why : does coming alive bring fear of threat? It could be this lunar eclipse we are having as they tend to bring up the past to eclipse the light of the present in order for us to see things more clearly and release them. And this one is intense as it aspects my natal Uranus in the first house by square, that rules a past marked by much that was traumatic, dissociating and unpredictable. I just never knew where or when the next bomb was going to explode.
I see how I see distance when closeness comes, not feeling I won’t be overwhelmed or destroyed in some way. It’s not rational at all.
Anyway I got out to the park and walked and had a big swing for a while. Flying through the air, feeling the breeze in my hair helped a little, but I am feeling a little weary and washed out right now. More rain is on the way, maybe that will give me permission to rest and be kinder to my body soul and heart. And bear with all thus darkness and self recrimination that sometimes surrounds me.
Emerging From The Dark Night 