The strangest things can trigger you when you have Complex PTSD especially if you were raised in a home where getting passionate ir excited about something you liked or enjoyed was some kind of defect or met with resistance. I watched a Netflix documentary this afternoon on drummers and drumming, there are interviews with many of the great drummers from bands like Queen, The Clash, Black Sabbath and the Foo Fighters and a video of a little kid getting his or her first drum kit at about the age of 6 or 7 they are screaming and basically falling over themselves with excitement un wrapping the box, but the whole thing terrifies me, where is the angry parent or the person telling them to pull their head in. I know!! SICK OF ME ISN’T IT? SICK AND SAD? To be honest I’ve got a bit of a headache this afternoon after watching it and even going for a walk came with head pain today. I just ache for a symptom fee day some days.
Its a bloody pain to carry self repression. Its just not easy at all to get over and I know people who do not go through this cannot possibly understand.. I loved to dance when I was a kid but Mum told me I wanted to stop lessons at 6, I think the reason was that it was formal ballet she was taking me to and I found it restrictive and boring, I adored freestyle dance. If I can now, at any opportunity I will dance around. And there is no longer anyone around me to frown at me or purse their lips if I do it. My inner critic is having a go at me as I write this post. “There you go again complaining again! Can’t you say anything positive, followers must be so sick of your blog by now.” Best to type out what is says so I can get a heads up on it rather than bury it and go on to post the post as a protest against it anyway.
That lucky kid had parents who cared and wanted them to nurture their dream. And that hurts at times to even think about. I am sure people defy their parents all of the time and so what I am writing does not make a lot of sense but honestly due to gaslighting in the past its been tough to get a true handle on what it is that I love, that feels like fun and does not come with the threat of criticism or punishment. Even at 59 years of age I still feel like I am in many ways trying to break out of a straightjacket that is too tight for me, but I did take heart from it when the intuitive teacher Lee Harris shared somethign similar on one of his Initiation series of videos ten days ago. If only I can somehow kick this inner critic to the kerb.
I sometimes wonder how different life may have been if I had younger parents who wanted to really parent a child.. I resent they gave birth to a child they did not want to do that for, and yet I also know that can sound like sour grapes.. The sister who was more expressive was the one who copped a lot of suffering in life and ended up disabled and over medicated.. I saw my other sister being shut down in all kinds of subtle ways too.. This repression of my own Mars force is probably coming to a head now as its passing through the intense, emotional underground sign of Scorpio.. I haven’t checked planetary placements for a while.. Anyway thank God others do get to express things and its wonderful to hear the stories of those drummers and the people who inspired them, its just that a lot of my unlived life really seems to be biting me on the bum at the moment..So rather than let my inner critic talk me down on this one I will just take the risk to express it to the open page.
Emerging From The Dark Night 