Feeling it : evening up date 15th November

I am just super missing my Dad right now.. I am watching season three of Nashville and in it Deacon who is one of my favorite characters has just been diagnosed with cancer. He tries to keep it a secret as he does not want to hurt anyone, especially his young daughter but the scene where he does is one I watched last night and boy did it hit me coming at this time of year, reminding me of how it felt to get that news and making me think of how it must have felt for Dad to have to give it knowing he may miss out on walking me down the aisle and many other things.

I am probably only one of millions who lost a parent before the age of 25, others lose parents sooner and that is not to minimize my pain over my Dad, when ever the loss of a parent comes it hurts and this time of year in lead up to the anniversary of losing Mum on the 12th of December and Dad on the 8th of January I can struggle.. This is the time of year he was diagnosed and quickly operated on and it was I who gave blood for him as we were the same blood type to help his body to recover. .. Memories of hospital visits are vague as that was also the time of year I was hospitalised after nearly dying at 17 and I got out on the day Dad went back in and never came back out again 6 years later. Perhaps it is no accident I finally got sober around this time of year after meeting my husband and marrying in 1993, lately when I think that it was only 8 years after Dad died it is hard to believe that.. because the intensity of what I went through in those eight years was huge and in some ways felt timeless, deep, wilderness like and dark.. Jonathan and I meeting saved me in many ways it really did.

Sometimes I get the feeling I should not focus on these feelings but I know its still important to talk about them and (as Kat said today) let then flow through me. And especially I am feeling for my sister this evening. To have had no contact in so long is very very tough and its the time of year she also struggles though in the year she did come good (late 2019) she did get out of hospital in the lead up to this period and was very busy trying to deal with so much before having another depression relapse in June 2020. Recently she remembered nothing of that period as I have shared they used shock treatment on her for the second time in 2020 and then the third time earlier in the year which nearly made me combust. I pray for her all the time and sometimes cry about how we fought at the coast and then I took myself off again.. But none of that can be changed and Kat said today I should not blame myself, I was dealing with so much.

It helps to write it out.. Kat says she sees me really moving on in my life at the moment, so what if I continue to go over old ground as I continue to process it all and mine the depths of things that happened in terms of later trauma even in those years we all had together from 2011 until December 2017 when Mum finally died..

So I will post this and then go do the dishes I am a bit exhausted tonight I had a big day and I made a big creative mess with dinner I have to clean up alone since Jasper as yet cannot do the dishes. I thank God for time to briefly chat with a very good blogger friend who struggles a moment ago and that I was able to finally respond to someone I briefly dated 2 years ago after he kept sending me facebook notifications.. Partly sometimes I just want to run or escape but ever so slowly I am finding ways to be both authentic, engaged and real while doing the best I can to keep good interpersonal boundaries.