Dragged down

It’s a fight to get up, to stand then a fight to digest, other days have been easier, I felt myself emerging a little in past weeks but today I have been feeling that inward drag that is hard to articulate when painful body symptoms just magnetize me and pull me onto the ground.

I had outbursts of fury, anger and rage again too, yesterday The current planetary energies did come with a warning and even my therapist said she is feeling the mixed up energy on the planet at the moment and so much rain does at times, tend to make me feel soggy and swamplike inside. I badly need the sun to give me energy that said rainy days can be comforting if I also allow myself to rest.

It may seem like a minor thing but I’ve been battling to groom Jasper. Due to.lock down we have had no help with this and I keep trying to trim his ever growing ever shedding hair and make sure this week he gets out for that earlier walk so he can get his bowels moving, but yesterday the cleaner started again and turned up 2 hours late, then Jasper got himself in an absolute state rolling around in long grass while off lead with balls of matting and grass burrs and I’d combed him.out a few hours before. Sadly I.lost it with him I was brushing him so furiously his poor little heart was beating out of his chest and I ended up with cuts from the steel.brush on my hands then very distressed at the outburst. This is just like a painful re-enactment of generational stuff and at the time I had no control over it, I even kicked the stool. So much grief or anger then collapsing into guilt and sorrow.

Luckily I had therapy at 3 pm so could talk it all through. But lately at times am not sure where to turn with Scott wanting more help and me having fought so hard over the past 3 years to.pull back from his demands while knowing if I don’t help I’ve got no chance of getting my savings back. To be honest I’m sad and angry I let this happen to me, just as I seem to be breaking free I get pulled back or down by something. And then I fight my old patterns. I also let my connection with Daniel go a few months back to keep supporting Scott and I’m not sure it was the right choice, as he seemed more tuned in and empathic. Anyway it is what it is! Today I must be rigorous in facing the cold hard facts.

Just getting it out of my head and into the page helps. On these wet days I can sometimes feel all locked in.

I also read about the fact Venus is slowing down right now to go retrograde for 6 weeks on the 18th of December that will cover the Christmas period which Kat reminds me is never easy for me, never the less its okay, I seem to be better able to cope with isolation than connection at times. As long as I can keep the important connection to my soul and higher power or my source I will be okay.

In fact I did the lovely homecoming meditation from John Bradshaw’s book of the same name last night. In this meditation you reclaim your infant, inner child and adolescent selves from the family of origin and bring them to freedom with the help of a loving inner figure, John uses the image of a Wizard as his, he also speaks about the need for loving mentors who give us encouragement and love when we never had this in the past from parents. He then shares on some of the false beliefs we have to let go of if we are raised in non nurturing or shame bound environments.. I will share that in a post soon.

As alone as I can feel on some days I must never forget I am on a spiritual reclamation journey, what got cut off I am working hard to find the way back to as I move towards my 28th AA birthday in a few weeks.

I even looked into some courses for University Study this week. Fine arts interest me as does literature. Today even if I feel a bit pulled back I can trust I am moving forward but Venus may have some more things to show me about the way I value myself and others. God knows relationships have been a source of such difficulty for me in the past. But new ones offer a new promise. I just need to keep working hard to keep my focus on all the ways I am growing and continuing to grow. Even as Venus brings to light difficult things from the past I am working hard to let go of and change my relationship to.