I felt like crying reading the post of someone I know through her writing on WordPress sharing how much her depression is crippling her with nasty abusive thoughts of self hatred.. It reminded me of my descent into the dark years when I heard voices telling me I would be best to kill myself that I was a waste of space and that the force inside of me wanted me dead.. I called the piece of writing I did in which I externalized this ‘voice’ in around 2005 Destruction 11:11 and it followed on my descent that started with a dream of a spiral staircase on which were two couples, one ascending and one set descending. at the time of the Saturn Pluto opposition of late 2001.
It is interesting today that having my attention called to the First World War poet, Siegfried Sassoon I then listened to a talk on the upcoming Scorpio New Moon that led me to another in which two astrologers were discussing former Saturn Pluto conjunctions and they mentioned one that occurred surrounding the outbreak of WWI in 1914. I did some research on it after that and saw it occurred at 0 of Cancer which relates not only to the mother but to the Great Mother.. Sadly this War saw so much decimation in the lives of men and their wives, children and families, so much absorbed terror and horror. The pain and loss and grief tore apart families and so many were touched by the scars, in fact later reading about some of the conditions in my book on WWI poets Some Desperate Glory : The First World War That The Poets Knew I thought of my primal terror of rats, something was discussing with my cousin’s son a couple of weeks ago and my flesh went to gooseflesh as the voice and energy of my great grandad Bluey started to come through. He served in the trenches and at the battles of both Lone Pine and Pozzieres, surely there is something primal we all feel about rats but this felt like an old ancestral memory to me.
It feels sad to me now how much of my ancestors pain my own Mum carried and also to have been a witness to how it scarred both of my sister’s. My living sister got diagnosed with lung weaknesses around 2003 which would relate back to our great grandfather being gassed during the War, in fact he died of war related injuries when my mother was only 7 and then his daughter and wife my Nana moved to a new townwith no family support much.. Luckily in time that abandoned young girl, my mother had a lovely step Dad turn up, but thid event also saw my Nana put my mother into domestic service to get her out of the way. Mum fought to get a tailoring apprenticeship and in 4 more years met my father who also lost his father as a result of war when he was a little bit older, 12 years of age.. Together they went through so much as they tried to build a family and a way of living that would provide us all with enough material security that we needed, thinking that then we would not have to face what they faced, but sadly that was not the whole of it on the emotional level as I have shared before..
In the talk on today’s New Moon in Scorpio the opposition to transitting Uranus in Taurus spoke to emerging issues around value, resources, self worth money and survival. Why it it that we always equate our ‘worth’ or ‘success’ with money fame, popularity and appearance? The person I mentioned earlier was devaluing herself and her body in the most abusive way. Taurus also relates to our body and the sense of love, importance, worth and value we absorbed from how we were touched, held or valued IN OR BODY AND BEINGNESS as babies and young children.
At times I feel all of that abandonment from the Wars has been carried through on a subterranean level. Pluto rules this new lunation as the ruler of Scropio along with Mars and Scirpio often hides out of fear of being exposed, humiliated or made too vulnerable. I got a huge serving of this as did all my siblings and my Mum told me she felt I carried for all her insecurity shortly after I got sober in 1993. To my brother apparently she bequeathed all of her ambition. Often the oldest child goes into the hero role but they may be emotionally impoverished in the shadow.
I left a comment on the person’s post.. I did not want to invalidate how she felt but I could not not speak up for the person’s true self. It was painful to hear the level of self hatred and that no loving force inside her was stepping into protect her.. Others obviously identified and called the sharing brave which it was, but there also needed to be a light that came on deep inside of her darkness. I do pray she finds it.
We have to be strong right now.. We cannot surely buy into all of these killing forces and voices that lack hope and are full of self hatred..but we also need to start tracing back what we invested into coming out of deeply painful legacies if multiple generational trauma. Subsequent Saturn Pluto connections show how this all gave rise to a massive flight of economic materialism and technology by the early 80s when another recession hot with the next Saturn Pluto conjunction.
Our carried trauma has deep roots and as we emerge we must reach out to raise each other up energetically not join them in the mud. When we leave someone alone in their trauma and let them keep re-enacting it upon themselves we are not helping them. We need to say both I hear you at the same time as witnessing this dark vision is not the truth of who they are. Sometimes lately it just seems to me that so many of us over-identify with a pain we carry that needs to be given back and let go of.
Yes there truly is so much going on in the world right now that is dark and worrying.. I literally cried last night seeing images of gas power stations spewing out pollution and upon hearing the news (that is not news at all.. as old as time itself) that our Prime Minister is so numb and shut down himself that he will STAND BY AND DO NOTHING ABOUT CHANGING SOMETHING SO TOXIC TO THE ENVIRONMENT.. At the same time other footage showed him pumping the hand of Prince Charles while lying about what he is doing to make thing better, you could see Prince Charles did not believe a word, it truly was so embarrassing to see him lying so blatantly.
Emerging From The Dark Night 