I had a very rough night and start today. I signed up to be involved in Lee Harris’s Initiation channel transmissions but listening to the first one yesterday afternoon too soon on the back of therapy meant I lost my grounding in the now.. It took all day to try and get back to some kind of balance today, my energy has been all over the place. I really felt I had been making progress over the past few weeks of moving into the now and getting into a good routine. That all got shot to pieces today and I did not have the peace I had been feeling lately.
I also had a very angry outburst in therapy yesterday towards my ex partner, his failure to support or show empathy along with all of his criticisms that got logged deep inside of me, even years coming out of the ending of the relationships burst to the surface and I was screaming at him over the phone in therapy “you were a really nasty man.” I remember the time he almost went psychotic when I touched base on his caring vulnerable side, it was really scary at the time, and I did not know how to cope. I think this has been re-triggered as I am dealing with someone I met online who has significant trauma and just hates the parent who was the perpetrator. While it is understandable the level of anger he feels the way he delights in the venom of it quite frankly scares me and makes my body feel sick and contracted.. I had to take distance this week.
In fact this was one of the things Lee’s guides the Zs mentioned that many of us sensitives need to do at the moment on planet earth when so many people are dealing with trauma.. I had major spins after getting into bed too late after checking the online forum too, most of the people who posted had people like or connect to what they said, no one at all connected with me and I think my abandonment got triggered.. I try not to take this stuff personally but at times I wonder why it is my energy does not seem to attract support, its not true of WordPress. Anyway after taking ages to fall a sleep I was awake at 5 am with all of these pulls and contractions and then it took ages to get back to sleep and then after lost of restless pushing and pulling I woke at 8.45 am to a friend trying to face time me on Facebook from America. This is the third person from my past to try and get in touch this week and Lee also mentioned something about that.
Today its hot and windy this kind of heat triggers so many fears around global warming and at times brings feelings of doom. I had had a pretty good week up until now and yesterday I managed to take care of a lot of things I needed to sort out. Maybe I am just tired but I do question at times the meaning and purpose of all of that trauma in my life and how the accident in taking me completely out of the mainstream possibly marked me as an outsider.. I never fully felt I belonged in the human world. .. I am aware of the multi-generational links of my family trauma but lately I just long for a simple connected body to body earthly relationship. Good as the internet can be for connecting at times it all feels just a little remote. That said being able to settle more in to the quiet moments lately has felt so healthy… I really allowed myself to sit quietly and read my new novel several days this week for an hour here and there.
I do not have a lot to say today but I like to post something as an update.. I am sure that anger needed to come out in therapy yesterday.. The relationships with Phil has been and gone, I do not miss him anymore, it was not a loving nurturing relationship at all. Scott and I are still connected but its infrequent communication at times. So sad that there have been 4 years of trying to be together and nothing has materialized.. I will try to count my blessings, feels a bit better for writing right now. I realized after listening to the transmission from Lee’s guides that it is actually to my own higher power and guidance I need to turn more now.. The days of looking outside of me are over.. In those lovely moments of deeply connecting to my soul (which was the major purpose of the transmission Lee shared with his community yesterday) I find my meaning, value and peace. No one can give that to me from the outside. And through the soul I remember my ongoing connections too, to those who have passed out of my life, even the ones who in really hurting me taught me the absolute necessity of self value. Yet even as I connect to my soul at times I still feel that ancestral sadness at all of the disconnection in my own life at times.
Emerging From The Dark Night 