I wrote this post back in June this year around the time of critical anniversaries, I have just re-edited it.. Pluto is going forward now so I am seeing a lot more clearly especially about the deep void where we go to heal that so many fear or refuse.
There is a beautiful and fearful and magical place we can find within. I was thinking about this after reading a post on the hollow place trauma or neglect leaves deep within us. This place can become a deep fissure we fall into, some speak of it as the hole in the soul which seems to always be a source of deep pain, or ache, or longing or emptiness. Yet some spiritual teachers talk of this emptiness as being full but perhaps only for those of us brave enough to face the depths, or split off parts.. Even the beast, a wounded or neglected part of us so in need of the missing connection to full life, love and a broad spectrum of emotional expression the void speaks of. It also occurs to me re-editing this post to share some time later that that void may relate to the ancestral trauma vortex contained in the DNA spiral.
Kat (my therapist) and I were talking about the fairy tale figure of the little match girl on Monday. in fairytale parlance this figure speaks of a person with a hole of emotional deprivation.. that void in her is so cold she tries to pull in anything at all to warm her in the absence of a loving nurturing all containing mother as mirror, this may lead her to very dark places, often to addictions too. This also made me cry at the time thinking of my Mum and that stone she has to use from the fire to keep her warm on the nights my Nana was so absent working cleaning offices leaving her all alone.. .so so sad really.
For myself ending up in that hollow place also meant in the end I abandoned my husband around this time of year in 2002. With Mars at 20 degrees of Cancer currently and the Moon in Pisces last night this,was very much on my mind around 5 am as I tried to uncoil out of a deep dive into sleep experiencing sediment all through my upper body after also attending a funeral yesterday where a lot of old school friends were present. I still felt very alone and set apart but much more able to engage this time..I was also sad but it was a contained sadness.
Around this time of leaving Oz in 2002 I saw the love Mum tried to show and how she foundered.. it breaks my heart now, but I could only run and push her and Jonathan (my ex husband) away, Kat always reminds me of how they shut me down at times and that it was not possible for them to validate the depths of my desperation pain and grief (which I am sure I was the only one expressing).. Just sad I had to take myself so far away, but all a part of my journey in struggling to individuate.
Possibly its no one’s fault. Kat pulls me up on this all of the time, she tells me I was just doing what I needed to do at that time at my level of consciousness and acting out old deep ancestral patterns. Never the less it made me sad to see what Jonathan endured and why he left 2 years later. This time of year is raw as we met in June 1993 and my sister Judy was returned to us with a one way ticket in that month too..this was the mid point of 7 incredibly dark years.
I’ve done many deep dives into that hollow place, I’ve known the pain and desperation of that inner child trying to pull comfort or others towards her to fill up what she must eventually fill or face herself. I am also slowly learning healthier ways to both experience grief and anger as life giving sources and to pull myself out of the downward spiral vortex when regressive thoughts or voices want to keep me trapped there or pull me back down with voices of doom.
Taking action for healthier thoughts and ways of being seems so important lately, all the mores after seeing what two sisters have had to endure by surrendering their power while consenting to the silencing of their primal scream. I’ve also had to learn when to fight against what others want to.project on me or be more aware when it’s me who is projecting past pain on an innocent world. Not everyone whose actions may hurt me in a wound has malicious intent, their intentions may be good but often they lack insight or judge out of blindness being so caught up in their own world or defenses and protections that the real me with its deep dichotomies is not seen or gets reduced.. How could they see so deeply into me anyway? It is for me to do the inner work after all to make all of this conscious.
Emerging From The Dark Night 