A golden soul

I wrote thus last week. My themes repeat but this is my therapy place. My older sister was very much on my mind last week as transiting Mars and the Sum approached the squares to Pluto in Capricorn. My sister was a sun sign Capricorn.

I loved my older sister so much.. She was so creative and loving and full of life and passion.. If only her life had not been derailed so much by our family’s past how different my life would have been too.. Following as close as it did on my near death accident I wonder if the trauma of her cerebral bleed was made more likely due to it but when I think of the combination of other factors it makes sense.. In fact my Dad was worried about how my sister was overextending herself in the year before she fell down one afternoon and her head exploded with blood.

I am glad in a way I came back and could go and visit my sister for another 3 years before she died.. I did not go often enough, in the final years she would call me a lot and one day I went with her to Daryl’s Den which was a place where those with disabilities could do craft and art.. My sister was a very creative soul, before she became ill she did a lot of pottery and weaving..

I feel my sister close in spirit a lot of the time, in fact when I listened to that 30 minute performance by the Teskey Brothers last week it was her voice I heard saying to send a link of it to her second son. They had a bit of a problematic relationship after my sister was abandoned by their father, he sent her back home, had another partner after my sister became ill and could not cope with the situation. My parents never forgave him for this and I vividly recall an argument when this son of hers wanted to visit in 2005 and Mum did not want to see him, due to this. I told Mum how unfair I thought it would be to cut off not only he but his two young sons who needed family and so she opened her heart and mind and they began to be close again.. But my mother could not do ‘mothering’ all that well or even grandmothering sometimes due to her own inner child neglect. I sww now how she did her best, my feeling was she always felt a bit uncomfortable and stilted around children. I see elements of that in my sister who still lives and has had so much psychiatric abuse..If you have a deep connection to your inner child I feel a part of you would rebel against a system that refuses to acknowledge its very existence.

Poems of love will often flow out towards my sister.. Its drawing closer to my mother’s birthday too this week and other significant ancestral anniversaries.. We are also about to have the Sun square to transiting Pluto in 3 days so deep feelings being stirred up may be par for the course and of course we also will have the Sun move into the deeply emotional sign of Scorpio in about 8 days..

I had an earlier phone therapy session this week. I am not sure why Kat needed to change it.. they may also be relaxing the policy on be needing to be double vaccinated.. At this stage for my health I do not want to do it and I am not out in the community much anyway, happy to be around home lately..

Good to touch base yet again with some of my writing.. I feel myself emerging from a lot of old patterns this week.. Weather is still a bit cold and bleak for this time of year in the Southern Hemisphere. I am getting stuck into the Stan series Nashville too at the moment. I love the music and the addiction themes..I identify with the guitarist Deacon sober 12 years and abandoned by the successful ‘star’ of the show… last night I was crying too when the mother of one of the lead characters reaches out to her daughter after a stint in rehab. The daughter is very angry and not at all supportive and it is painful to watch the mother struggle with her own inner deprivation….. I love it to watch something that I can connect with, at the same time as the critic often gives me a blast for watching TV I dont put it on til after 3 pm and our walk anyway.. Need to keep active and disciplined, that is just a huge part of my character I cannot change.. even if lately it seems to be getting more and more comfortable for me to truly relax and begin to feel more comfortable and at peace with my own intrinsic values, needs and choices.