So often our trauma leads us to make damaging choices, in fact in session on Wednesday Kat and I were talking over the ‘repetition compulsion’ that impulse inside of us coming out of past pain and loss or emotional deprivation which just seeks more of the same kind of damage.
When I think of the loneliness I fell into following Mum’s death in December 2017 it was hard, much as we fought at times and much as my Mum found it hard to acknowledge her part, we still connected a couple of times a week and often there was a flow of learning from both sides when she did not block me, that said I did get to really grieve this loss following three years and 7 months after the loss of my older sister, Judith..
In fact looking back now I see that the times I ran out of my own pain of abandonment and in so doing I made things so much harder for myself and yet my therapist always encourages me to be kind to myself at such moments, knowing I did the best I could. Sometimes in the the lead up to the anniversary of her death these memories come. For example I spent so much time by her bedside over various hospitalisations from 2012 to her death in 2017 but towards the end (the final day) they had her on so many drugs, I found it impossible to just sit there even though my brother and sister did, though Mum waited for my sister to go to a doctor’s appointment before letting go into death. When these memories come and I am tempted to judge myself I just try to notice and not attach too much to the spiralling nature of my thoughts.
These days when I wake I think of the positive choices for the day, today it was a walk in a wild space that sits in the middle of a nearby suburb with Jasper where he can run around freely and I can take some music and dance if I want to not having to worry if anyone is watching (not the I probably should but there you go.) We then took a coffee to the park before coming home. Yesterday was a bit fraught as a friend wanted to come by after lunch and I stressed a bit as I struggle digesting lunch at some times and wanted to be prepared when she arrived but we ended up having an early afternoon tea and that upset me a little after she left..But Jasper and I did manage a couple of walks yesterday as well, so I am slowly managing to be with others without getting as flooded emotionally as I used to and the people I chose to be with now always validate rather than try to shut me down.
My past trauma just does not feel as heavy of late.. I can see the way forward more, I still get moments of that emptiness and lostness that seem to be particularly close on Saturday’s I had a bit of a dip when Jasper and came back to the house an hour ago but I put my focus on some poetry.. The truth is so much is better in my world these days and I feel so much less powerless, in fact while at the park I was thinking of how helpful so many of the post of blogger Don’t Lose Hope have been to me over the past year or so, she always seems to post things that are so affirmative and realistic of the time it may take and the many letting go’s that we may struggle with along the path of trying to come to terms with trauma, loss, abandonment, betrayal or other kinds of hurt.
Taking action to get moving has been one of my most challenging battles in recovery since I had a very bad head injury in 2005 that had to do with my banked up feelings and fight response that got so depotentiated over the time I landed back with family again in the aftermath of my husband walking out in August 2004.. If I consider the fact it is now 17 years later at times it seems my progress was painfully slow.. my longing to be connected led to another painful relationship that it took many years to grieve and then to becoming involved with Scott who put me in the role of rescuer and has now tied up all of my funds.. Asking my brother for help was useless in April this year he slammed me with shame and anger for falling prey to a ‘scammer’ and it may look that way but the truth is he is not, it is just I have no way of proving that to my brother.. and that he will not trust me hurts but there you go I was so angry about it in April to August but in the end that anger was a wake up call for me to see things more realistically and its not up to any of my siblings to ‘save’ me since the work of becoming an emotionally mature and self supporting adult is now mine.
Anyway the serenity prayer reminds me to give over to God the things outside of my control, and to take action and be courageous in changing or improving those things I can to have a more serene, fulfilling and grounded or manageable life.. Things I cannot change or control are other people and what they think of me, or their particular bias on how I ‘should’ or ‘should not’ be living my life..
On this subject I listened to a helpful video by Lee Harris last night on not allowing others opinions of us to influence us.. and it was fun last night also to watch comedian Ricky Gervais’s stand up Humanity in which he explores in detail the angry reactions he gets to some of the fun he tries to poke at human kind’s ignorance, and foibles. I am grateful now to be able to laugh at things and it is always refreshing to hear another human person’s take on how people so often personalize or get hooked into anger by what are really only the opinions of others and how much they can miss nuances or may tend to read in intentions that may not be there.. I know I most certainly have done this at times. Ricky does use a lot of language that may be triggering for some folks, and at times I do baulk at the radical things he says but I also see the truth and humanity within him as well and I identified particularly with his take on why he did not want to have children even if some of that is pretty confronting at times.. I think he aims to shock or at the very least get people thinking.
Today is a good day even if I ran into a patch of darkness a little while ago.. Home is always a comfortable place now when I anchor into myself.. I like my time alone.. Good as it was to see a friend yesterday at times my energy gets a little depleted.. these days I am getting a better idea of boundaries.. I do not have as many walls but I also know how important it is for me to balance my energy and moods on certain days. In the end there are many positive choices I can make on any day to make my life, lighter, brighter, happier and more full of joy, even with those inevitable dips into pain and sadness that will most inevitably be a part of the path.
Emerging From The Dark Night 