Straight jacket : a letter to my Dad, things I need to say

Dad I need to say these things to you.. I know you did the best but you hurt me you put me in a straight jacket, you forced me into a box that was not the right size for me, not only that it restricted me, it cut off life, or as my therapist said today, it cut me in two pieces.. Day after day in that small room typing in triplicate being subjected to the boring routine of shorthand cycling with typing, it was killing it was numbing to my soul and that was the year (1983) when I really started to act out with alcohol and drugs, for fucks sake I had nearly died a few years before and I had no help coming out of that as if it was my fault I made two changes.. seeking to find my way in the midst of so much family trauma..

When I took myself away in the year after Judy’s bleed it was an attempt to come alive but I rapidly found myself out of my depth, I asked you to let me go back to my teaching degree, to college, to my best friends, to life but you would not listen.. And then you actually handed my soul to the devil on a platter when you made me take that job at the restaurant where I was subjected to abuse, even if, at that time, I had no name for it.

You left me unprotected.. It makes me angry and when I started modelling you could not validate the beauty in me only were distressed I had a made up face, of course my appearance was not the be all and end all but did you need to shame me? Could you not have told me I was beautiful?

Dad I loved you and I longed for your love but you could not seem to see me ir sense what I really needed. Believe me I honestly do forgive it but WHAT YOU DID IN THOSE YEARS 1978 TO 1983 really really hurt me.. it was like being put in a straight jacket and it made me angry but until very recently I could NOT EVEN KNOW I WAS ANGRY AND WHY..

It helps me to write this. I need to acknowledge these feelings. I need not to fear my anger anymore and mistakenly believe that it will cut me off from the righr people loving and accepting me.. I know that not everyone will shame me as others did for having become an addict.. It was my one way of trying to stay alive.

I’ve cried so many tears for my adolescent self (for all of my lost inner child selves). I am watching so many movies lately about the pain of adolescence, that time when we are so vulnerable and in need of guidance, but still rebelling is a necessary thing.. if we do not get to negotiate that hurdle then at midlife it re-appears as other earlier aborted or damaged developmental stages do..

For now I need to have my adolescence, yes even at the age of 59 IT ISNT TOO LATE I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO RE WRITE MY PAST BUT I CAN PICK UP TORN OR LOST THREADS. .. Its okay for me to do that. Its okay for me to make a mess. To not clean up after myself.. To have piles of books lying around. To drop my clothes on the floor before bed and not pick them up until later. To make mistakes. To learn by trial and error. There are so many things that are not a threat of punishment or death but that still feel like them at times when I am in ‘flashback’.

Dear Dad, I am sorry but not all of this OCD stuff is down to you, you struggled with it too. But Dad you should have protected us from Mum, you should not just have walked away but you did. In the end the ‘shoulds’ are not helpful either. In the end things went down as they did and had really difficult consequences.. Thank God I can own that now.. It was not my fault I struggled Dad I struggled so much, I lost teeth and relationships and many things and yet none of it was truly my fault.. But now it is my responsibility how things pan out from here.

Dad I love you, I loved you, I longed for your love but Dad YOU REALLY REALLY HURT ME.

Dad this probably was not deliberate, Maybe after you died you tried to help me.. Maybe even now you are watching on and loving me. That is a good thought at least and ine that comforts me. I don’t want this hurt to block new opportunities especially relating to men, so I speak it out, to free my heart and body from the distortion and constriction of the straight jacket